Taking Out Frustration

That awkward moment when you can’t find anything nice to say so you just take all of your frustration out on your blog readers.

 First off, my little sister is sick.  I mean, I don’t want to sound self-centered or anything, but it kind of sucks.  The last thing I want right now is to get sick.  I mean, I’ve already felt sick for the past week, and now someone in our family is sick.  With eight people in one house, it doesn’t take much to pass it around.  On top of that, she stayed home today from school.  Only not.  She went to my grandparents house.  That’s fine, I really don’t care except it seemed like a waste of time to me.  And for some reason I felt insulted.  I was/am off all day long today.  I don’t see why I wasn’t capable of watching her today.  I’ve been sick myself multiple times.  I’ve watched all of them multiple times.  I couldn’t take care of a nine year old girl for a few hours? It would’ve saved gas, which we were apparently running low on anyways.

Second point.  I hate my job with all that’s in me.  I’m not allowed to name it.  So I’ll call it Bullseye. (C’mon people.)  I don’t think it’s really anything that the store itself is doing wrong.  There are certainly things that they did, or rather didn’t do, that made me angry.  For example, since I’m on a roll here, I worked for two weeks without knowing whether I was going to work the next day or not.  I eventually had enough and called up to the HR department and asked them when and where the schedule came out.  After already asking three times that day about it to my shift manager.  Then there was one Sunday I didn’t work because I went to Amarillo for the weekend (the disastrous car trip) and told them plenty ahead of time (three days before the fact) that I would not be working because their lack of communication did not allow me to plan around my schedule so they were going to have to plan around me.  (I said it in more of a diplomatic way of course.)  The manager I talked to decided not to tell anyone about it so everyone was pissed off at me because they think I was just a random no show.  AND… on my first day of training, all I learned was what I was able to observe.  I tried to ask questions but the chick wouldn’t let me get two words in without deciding what she had to say was more important, so I never really got any question answered.  After the second hour of that, I gave up and told them to just put me on my own register because I wasn’t learning anything just by standing there.  On top of that, when I took my second job (which is one shift a week, tops) they said they weren’t sure they could put that in for me.  I mean, these guys just enter in everyone’s availability onto a computer program and the computer puts the schedule together.  All I was asking was for one day, besides that I had open availability.  Pull it together lady.  So, I’ve been working at “Bullseye” for around about a month now and I’m [insert phrase of choice here to express anger].  I never get to see my family.  I came down here to see them and get to know them better, and hopefully be able to help them out.  Now, I’m not even home to do anything except sleep!!!!  And I really just hate my job.  For some reason, I can’t make myself like it.  I don’t know if it’s because it’s slow paced, monotonous, and has no variety or brain cells needed…. no, that’s probably why I don’t like it.  Point of the matter is, I’m quitting.  I don’t need that much money.  And after talking to my mom, it sounds like I’m more of a help when I’m able to be home and help out here.  I’ll keep my second job (which I absolutely love and pays so much better and works better schedule wise) for my needs.

Lastly, and I’m going to keep this short and sweet so I don’t say too much and insult anybody else, some people I really can’t stand, and some people need to quit blaming me for some of their issues.  It’s making me very very very very angry.

I JUST WANT YOU TO HAVE A FREAKING GOOD DAY, OKAY?!?!?!?!

IT’S OVER PEOPLE!!!!

IT’S OVER PEOPLE!!!!

THAT’S RIGHT!!! THE FREAKIN’ ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAS COME! EVERYBODY GRAB YOUR CROSSBOWS AND TORCHES LET’S GET TO WORK.  JUST KIDDING. BUT NOT REALLY. I MEAN ZOMBIES AREN’T REALLY TAKING OVER THE WORLD YET. BUT IT REALLY IS OVER.  I’M TALKING ABOUT MY FUNK PEOPLE!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOO.. GANGNAM STYLE.  IDK WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?  YA’LL KNOW THAT GUY ON PRINCESS DIARIES 2 WHO IS YELLING ALL THE TIME?!?!?  THAT’S HOW I AM RIGHT NOW!!!  IT’S SO WEIRD THIS MOOD I’M IN.

LAST NIGHT, I STEPPED ON GLASS AND THE FIRST THING I TOLD MY SISTER WAS, “GOOD THING THERE AREN’T ANY ZOMBIES AROUND HERE, OR THEY’D SMELL MY BLOOD.”  YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED.  THEN I TOLD HER IT WAS A GOOD THING SHE WASN’T A VAMPIRE TOO.  I THINK YOU CAN SEE HOW THAT WOULD BE PROBLEMATIC.

HEY! I’M STILL YELLING AT YOU SO QUIT READING IT LIKE I’M NOT.  C’MON MAN.  PULL IT TOGETHER.  WHAT IS IT WITH YA’LL PEOPLE!!! YOU JAMAICAN ME CRAZY.

GANGNAM STYLE!!!!!!!

I WANT PUDDING!!!! LET’S GO RUN A MARATHON EVERYBODY!!! RIGHT NOW!!! WHO’S IN??  I WILL LITERALLY START TRAINING FOR A MARATHON RIGHT NOW IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY’LL DO IT.  OR IF A CERTAIN SOMEONE WILL DRAW AN ITALIAN CHICKEN. 

SO WHAT IT’S OUT OF YOUR ZONE!!!  I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M WRITING ABOUT!!!

WHO CARES ANYWAY??? I RAN INTO A DOOR.  SOLD A LADY ALCOHOL AND A PREGNANCY TEST AT THE SAME TIME.  AND TURNED INTO MY SAME ‘WITTY’ SELF.  THAT’S WHAT MEEME CALLS IT ANYWAY.  DADDY SAYS IT’S CALLED BEING A ‘SMART ASS.’

gasp

IT WAS A QUOTE!!!!!  AND THEN CAESAR DIED.  BUT SCREW YOUR COURAGE TO THE STICKING PLACE.  UNSEX ME HERE.  NOW.  IN THIS POST.  I AM A WOLF.  I SING TO THE MOON.

If mother asks, I didn’t add any sugar to my pudding this evening.

PEACE OUT DAWWWWGGGSSS!!!!!

Didgeridoo

A didgeridoo is an aboriginal wind instrument prominent in Australia.

Me on a summer afternoon.

Actually I’m a whole buncha Irish.

Secretly in love….

Fun fact: I speak Texan fluently.  I even think Texan.  It would be embarrassing if Texans weren’t so dang proud.  Imma proud Texan too!  We fought at the Alamo dang it!

O Texas, our Texas!!!

But I don’t really care for country music.  (Yes, I don’t even like Taylor Swift.)  In fact I love the deep throaty swoon and slide of jazzy Frank Sinatra.  Or the rebel tones of Celine Dion, the soul of Ella Fitzgerald.  My favorite song to sing randomly: “Somewhere over the rainbow…. bluebirds fly.  Birds fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why, can’t I?

My hero.

Having been involved in some sort of musical group since I was just five years old, music kind of defines me.  Before I could be in a choir at school, I was in the church choir.  In fourth grade I tried out for the “Honor Kids” choir.  And conned my parents into getting me to school by 7:15 for rehearsal.  I tried out for All-Region in junior high and was always in the top ten chairs.  Every solo I tried out for, even though I didn’t get as many as I’d like.  I was a haughty first soprano, but that didn’t stop me from convincing my choir teacher to let me sing alto one year.  I was determined to sing the highest and the lowest in my choir.  I achieved the former and nearly got the latter.  I have an annoying ear.  I cannot watch the Phantom of the Opera without cringing.  Gerard Butler is not a singer.  Nor is anyone else in that movie for that matter.  The vowels and tone…. blah!!!!  Don’t get me started.  I have a cd of the highlights from the Phantom of the Opera of the Original Broadway Cast.  I still listen to it and think well if here she just used straight tone, or if he did this.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a million times better than the movie.  I think I’m having choir withdrawals.  I have been singing almost nonstop recently.  I don’t even care what people think either.  I used to not sing outside of the choir room or on stage because I didn’t want to be singled out or criticized, but now I just belt out what I want when I want.  Especially since I have the house to myself quite a bit during the weekdays.  I’ll plug in recordings of my past choir songs we did and sing along just like I was onstage.  Sometimes I even sing the solo I didn’t get. (gasp)

Music can make me happy.  It can make me cry.  It can make me dance even though I’m not sure I know how to.  Music can bring strangers together, even if just for a few minutes.  Music can be moving, or it can be fun.  Music is as multicultural as the world.  Music is as aged as time.  “Music makes the world go rou-ound!!!”

“I got 99 problems, but pitch ain’t one.”

 

Messy Road Trip

The exact spot we were pulled over at. I.e. boredem.

As you all know from my previous posts, crazy stuff happens when Hannah and I team up.  This weekend was pretty… EPIC.  And not in a good way.  Trinity and Zoe had visitation with their dad this weekend and Hannah and I went to go pick them up.  We wanted to shop around there some and visit some people.  Well, it didn’t actually turn out like we wanted to at all.

First of all, I wanted to leave by six in the morning.  I mean, it was a six hour trip already, and we had some stuff planned.  It’s only twenty minutes earlier than our normal morning leaving time, but Hannah decided to go slow or something.  I love this girl to death but she takes the longest showers than anybody I know.  My Lord.  So we weren’t really out and going until 6:45.

Now, everything is going great for the most part.  We’re just driving along, alternating between talking to each other and singing along to the plethora of cds I had brought.  We would try and get all the semis to honk as we passed them.  Then I noticed that the battery light was turning on and off.  It would come on for a few seconds and then turn off for a while…. So, I called Mom to ask her about it.  Not long after I got off with her, I called my parents from Canyon to tell them what was going on.  As I was on the phone with my stepmom, the car starts to shake and all the lights are turning on and off.  So, I quickly roll down the windows, and pull over.  On the side of the highway.  In the middle of no where.  After a few more calls and explanations I have a combination of people coming to the rescue that I never thought I would put together.  Not only is my dad coming, but he is bringing my stepmom, and her dad.  It wouldn’t be awkward if my mom’s parents weren’t also coming to help us.  I’m thinking this is going to be really interesting.

Now, both of the sets of people are over an hour away so Hannah and I are sitting on the side of the road, getting hot, bored, angry (at least I know I am), thirsty, and hungry.  After about half an hour I eat the rest of the donuts I had bought that morning.  You know the little ones?  Yeah.  Then I had to pee.  Really bad.  So I look over to Hannah and tell her so.

“There’s a really big bush over there.”

“I knew I shouldv’e bought those adult diapers yesterday.”

Awkward silence.

“I was doing really good at over eating too.  I only had six donuts this morning until we had to pull over!!!”

Hannah starts laughing at me and I can’t figure out what is funny about this situation at all.

After much waiting, everybody starts pulling up immediately after each other.  After a slightly awkward beginning my two grandpas start pulling parts out of the car and speaking clingon.  We try to charge up the car but we only made it through a little town before it died again.  Then they start the serious surgery.  After another hour, I go with my dad, stepmom and Papa back to Canyon to stay with them until the car is fixed.  Hannah goes with Meeme and Grandpa to do whatever to the whatever to make the car go vroom vroom.

Long afternoon short, my family takes me to Amarillo to go pick up the car at around eight.  Hannah and I start on the way to Borger where we are staying the night.  On the way there, we go by a big gated area and a freaking huge fire.  Yeah, that would be our luck.  We come across a building on fire.  So Hannah and I pull over again (deja vu?) and decide to call 911.

“911”

“Yeah, my sister and I were on the way to Borger and we saw this big building on fire.”

“Okay. Where are you?”

“Highway 207 or something like that.”

“You see a flare.”

“Yeah, it’s like really big though.  There’s a building on fire.  It’s really close to the road.”

“No, no. You see a flare.”

“No, it’s a fire. Something is on FIRE.”

“Yes ma’am.  There is a gas plant right there.  What you see is the flare.  It’s supposed to be on fire.”

At this point she’s laughing at me, so I just apologize and hang up.

I told Hannah what would really make this trip complete was a trip to the hospital.  Instead we get lost for an hour in Borger.

I’d say good times, but it’s not funny yet.

19

I am blessed.

This is my ninteenth post.  If you know me at all, you know my favorite all-time number is 19.  19 is a prime number.  19 is Miles Austin’s number (though it used to be 14).  19 is my upcoming birthday.  19 is the most views I’ve had in a day.  I stop the microwave at 19 without meaning to.  I look at the clock and the minutes will show ninteen.  19 is a great number.

I’ve decided to take a little pause for the cause.  I haven’t been feeling all that chipper or positive recently.  So, more for myself than anyone, I have decided to reflect.  And what better place to do it than on my ninteenth blog post?  So, here goes.

  1. I am alive.  I am in decent health.  There are plenty of people out there who are in worse health than I am and can’t even do some of the basic things I can do.  I can drive, feed myself, go to the restroom, run 19 miles, watch a football game…
  2. I have a freaking huge family.  Not only here in Dallas, but also in Canyon.  Sure, I’ve had my ups and downs with everybody, but for some reason they still love me.  And that in itself is a miracle.
  3. Jesus.  The Creator of me.  Obviously the Guy knows what he’s got going on.  I need to quit questioning that for sure.
  4. I have a high school diploma.  I am ticked off that I’m “not going anywhere in life”.  I’ve had high expectations for the next thing.  Sometimes I forget the simple things like this.  Some people don’t get their diploma for whatever reason, and that’s fine.  It’s something I worked hard for, and I don’t want to take it for granted.
  5. I have a home.  Despite getting kicked out and being on my own for over half a year, I have a home.  I have running water.  I have an air conditioner and heater.  I have a bed to sleep in for the first time in a long time.  I have a place to go.
  6. My sister Hannah is motivated all by herself to be the best she can be.  In many ways I’m jealous of her dedication and motivation in pursuing her education.  And she’s involved in theatre too.
  7. I can talk about Trinity and Zoe as separate people.  Before very recently, I referred to them together because I knew them the way I knew that Cosby who was the high school’s quarterback.  Now, I have started to get to know them and their personalities and their manners…
  8. I have two jobs.  I have two sources of income for myself to support myself and help out my family like I have so long wanted to.
  9. I live in Dallas.  Ever since I came here for the first time in the fourth grade, I knew I was going to be here someday and I wanted it.  I cried every time we had to go back to Canyon, and I craved coming here every year.  I’m finally here.
  10. I understand music.  Due to the great teachings of Mr. Farren, Mrs. Weber, and Ms. Berg I can listen to music and not only hear the lyrics, but I can hear the instruments and tones underneath that make music so beautiful and interpret it.  I can listen to almost any kind of music and appreciate it.
  11. I have a friend that will always encourage me and help me through whatever I’m going through as much as she can.  We may not live in the same place anymore, but we still try and help each other out.
  12. I can go to college if I want to.  I still haven’t made up mind of what I want to do next in my life, though some people are pushing me in certain directions.  But I’m blessed that it is even an option for me.
  13. I am not allergic to anything.  I can eat what I what and not have to worry about going into a coma.  I can go outside, put lotion on, and wash the dishes without worrying about something harming me if I come into contact with it.
  14. I know how to take care of myself.  I can provide for myself if I need to.  I know how to budget; I know what is neccessary and what isn’t; I know how to pay bills.  I’ve done it before and because of that, I am prepared for more than perhaps the average person of my age.  I know how to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
  15. I have few fears and few nightmares.  I live a life in which my only fear is the fear of failing again.  Not too bad compared to people who are terrified of spiders or snakes or something weird like snow. (?)
  16. I can quote songs and rap like a white girl.
  17. SQUIRREL!
  18. When I stop to think about it, I love my life.
  19. Thank God for football.

I feel better now. 🙂

Movin’ On Up

Movin’ On Up

Ya’ll know that song that goes, “movin’ on up…. movin’ on up!”?  I don’t really know any other part of the song but it was stuck in my head and I decided to make it my title.  I’m not even sure if it relates to what my post is going to be about.  My fourth grade English teacher said that the title should be the last thing you do but I’m obviously smarter than her.  Wink, wink.

I’m in a ridiculously good mood today for some reason.  I heard some stuff today about people I love and care about that made me really disappointed in them, but it’s like, what can I do?  Their life, their choices I guess.  I hate people telling me how to live my life, so I’ll vent with my seester and move on.

I had another epiphany today.  A few really.  Actually, to be more correct, I had an epiphany and a longing which lead to another epiphany.  Epiphany.  Cool word.  Anyhoo, so my first epiphany is that I heard what God told me to do right.  He wants me to serve others.  Obviously he wants us all to serve others but I guess I don’t really know how to put it.  I’ll try to explain.  Freshman and sophomore year I wanted to join the military, and after I got discharged, become a missionary.  Junior year I wanted to be an English teacher since from eighth grade up all of my English teachers had really affected my life view and helped me through a lot.  (Quick shout out:  Mrs. Kuhlman, Lindsy, Mrs. Riha, Mrs. Crosswhite, Mrs. Scarborough, and Mrs. Freeman.  The latter two weren’t English teachers, but ya’ll too.)  After deciding I couldn’t write that many essays and that I didn’t have the disposition for dealing with brats (because that’s what we are when we’re teenagers), I decided to be a doctor.  I have no idea what I was thinking there.  I didn’t want to be an English major because of the essays, so I decided on doctor?  No common sense people.  No common sense.  You see, I was looking for a way to make serving and helping people my career.

Some of you may know this already but this past year, almost exactly a year ago, I was trying to transfer schools to come live with my sister (where I am now).  I had heard that they were having a hard time here and I wanted to come and help them out.  I wanted to transfer to the Sonic down here, graduate down here, and help out the family as much as I could to try and make it a little bit easier on them.  After a lot of tears, yelling, fighting, meetings, phone calls, and praying all around, I decided I wouldn’t go.  My biggest fear is that I would be more help than harm, and I couldn’t stand hurting my dad.  Of course, a few months later I got kicked out anyway.

Then I enlisted in the army.  It felt right.  I would be able to serve people.  I would be able to protect my sister.  That’s what I kept telling myself.  “This is right.  I can protect my family.  I will be serving others.  I’ll be the best me ever.”  But, it wasn’t long and I started having my doubts.  I love America.  And I am still seriously considering being in the military.  But, I was avoiding dealing with my main issues.  I was hurt.  I had hurt people.  And I was running away from it all and justifying it by being a US soldier.

During the beginning of the summer my sister and I were texting once and she asked me, “What happens if you die?”  That’s really when it went downhill.  I really started to question why I was doing this.  Maybe it’s too psychological for you, but I think God gave me a big protective instinct.  Ask any of my friends, teachers, or family members.  I am very loyal to the people I love and I try to protect them to a fault.  But, I couldn’t protect my siblings from the hardships they faced.  I wasn’t there.  I was too wrapped up in my sorry existence to see my sister was really, REALLY hurting and my brother was growing up.  I’m just now starting to get to know Trinity and Zoe.  I only met Asher this summer.  I wasn’t there for them, and as the big sister, I’m not doing too hot.  So, I subconciously tried to make up for it by becoming a soldier. (?)  Like I said, it may be too psychological for you, or even me to believe.

But, as we all know, it didn’t work out.  I’m still here in good ol’ America.  But, this time I figured out where I really needed to be.  Not where I wanted to be, where I NEEDED to be.  I’m here now.  And serving others doesn’t need a degree or any special training.  There are seven people right here who have needs bigger than mine, and I think for once I can say with the utmost certainty, God’s got me here.  I may be frustrated because things didn’t go where I wanted them to go.  I may not feel like I’m doing much of anything here.  But God put me here for a reason.  As much as I miss my daddy sometimes, I know that someone here needs me more.

Which kind of leads me to my second epiphany.  As I was driving home from work today, I really missed reading the Bible and listening to TobyMac and Skillet and Third Day over the other trashy stuff that’s on the radio now.  I missed praying to God every night.  Last night I couldn’t even remember the little child’s prayer that I used to say every night that my Grandma Lowry taught me.  “As I lay me down to sleep…”  I couldn’t remember it and it made me cry.  I’ve been so lost recently and making so many bad decisions and feeling so bad about myself and my position.  I came to the realization through my craving of the Word, that I had been missing out on a whole lot of Jesus.  And I think it’s about time I get back in.

Of course, this is no happily ever after.  Satan got a firm grip on me.  I have a lot of demons to face.  A lot of idols to tear down.  But honestly, if I’m going to be the big sister I want to be, I want my family to see how passionate I am about God, I want to set a good example for them.  I pray I have the strength and wisdom and perserverance I need to do this.

Thanks so much to all the people who have been praying for me! (Meeme)  I really appreciate it, and I think it’s about to pay off.  I sincerely hope with all my being this can be a point I look back on in life and can say, “This is when I changed and started becoming the person GOD wants me to be.”

By the way, if you remember the words to that prayer, could you let me know?  It’s driving me insane!