Stuck in a Groove

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I was once reading a book, or watching a show–I can’t remember, and this girl was talking about getting mixed up between getting thirsty and being scared.  Pretty much, whenever she was little and she got scared from a bad dream, or a storm, or whatever little kids get scared about, her parents would tell her that she was really just thirsty and she just needed a drink of water.  So, as she got older, whenever she got scared she just went and got a drink because she was really just thirsty.  Later on, in the show/book, something scary is happening (I can’t remember what) and a guy asks her if she’s scared. “Just thirsty.”  She had gotten in a rut.  Even though most people would be terrified in her position, she was just thirsty.

There was another book I was reading about a young teenager who was on a quest to find stuff out about his dad.  His name was Jeremy.  Jeremy refused to eat anything but peanut butter sandwiches.  His mom would always ask him if he wanted to try something else; she would cook things like hamburgers, hot dogs, and macaroni and cheese but he wouldn’t even try them.  All he wanted to eat was peanut butter sandwiches.  He got into the groove of peanut butter sandwiches, even made his sweat smell like peanut butter, and couldn’t try anything else.

While those grooves aren’t that bad really, some can be really detrimental.  Like eating a cookie every time you hear the word “like”, or killing people every time you hear typing, or dancing like a caveman   you are on the phone…. I mean, some of these things could really cause some trauma.

But seriously.  I’m sure all of you have your grooves.  Consistently arguing with people even when it’s not a big deal, maybe buying a smoothie everyday before work despite the fact you can’t really afford it (been there, done that), or shaving your legs and immediately moving the razor to your arms to cut.  Perhaps it’s coming in from work, putting your stuff down, and mindlessly going to the fridge and pouring yourself a glass of whiskey and grabbing a Smirnoff’s chaser.  Perhaps it’s one of those.  And you know what?  It sucks.  I can’t sit here and say that it’s really just a matter of will power and if you just think about it hard enough it’s not that hard to quit.  Empowerment…. yeah, yeah.  Heard all that bs.

No, I’m going to tell you that some people are really dumb butts when it comes to grooves.  Obviously, I have cut before, and I would drink and smoke, and I am an extremely emotional eater.  Maybe it is mind over matter, maybe it isn’t.  I don’t know yet.  But I do know that the people who can sit looking nice and pretty like they’ve got no problem at all–telling me it’s just me “crying out for help” and all I have to do is notice the “beautiful life all around me” and I “can do whatever (I) set my mind to”–piss me off like none other.  I don’t know your life; I don’t pretend to either.  I don’t need anybody’s help.  As far as I can see, when I need help I let someone know and I thank them when they get the sugar down for me.  As far as I can see, not only do I see the beautiful life all around me but I appreciate it and thank God for it.  And as far as I can see, I know I can do whatever I set my mind to, thank you for pointing out the obvious.

*sigh*  I didn’t mean to be angry when I started blogging tonight.  I didn’t mean to be sarcastic, or caustic, or spiteful, or whatever-else you want to call it.  I meant to just talk about how it has been hard to get out of my ruts in this new life I’m trying to turn over.  I guess another groove I have is bitterness itself.  Towards people who don’t understand.  I’ve had so many people try to tell me how to fix my life.  But there’s no magic formula, no magic phrase that can turn it around.  I’m not really sure where I’m going with this paragraph.  My mind is all sorts of jumbled right now.

When I moved to Dallas I had a lot of concerns and chips on my shoulder.  I had a lot of grooves I was stuck in. More like a big hole I guess.  Tom Bergeron once said, “When you are already in the hole, quit digging.”  Oddly wise words.  I was ready to start over when I came here.  I had been wanting to get a chance for a new beginning for a pretty long time and it took me a while to realize I got my chance.  I just never realized how hard it was going to be.  I had to quit drinking and smoking out of necessity.  Ma will not allow her kid to do such things.  And while I hate it, it is really a good thing.  I didn’t like who I had become but had dug myself so deep I couldn’t see what the grass looked like anymore.

Now as you and I both know, that’s only half of my story.  I had cut not long before I got here.  I had done one on accident and decided to do it again, and again.  I was in the shower a few days ago, not feeling that great.  I shaved my legs, moved up to my arms and, all of a sudden, the water turned hotter like someone had just flushed a toilet or something.  I was annoyed and turned around to adjust the water and the habit was interrupted.  I stood in the shower fiddling with the knobs to get the water fixed I started thinking about Kennedy and her burning.  I started thinking about how much I hated that she did it.  And it just clicked.  Call it mind over matter, or love, or a lightbulb moment.  Whatever.  It still hasn’t been that long, and I still definitely crave that satisfaction of a cut so deep I can see the blood run down my arm and taint the water.  But Kennedy has quit, and I can’t let her down.  Part of my new life is to be a better big sister.  I have to set a better example.

Life gets me down, I try to just get back up.  Sometimes my legs and arms are broken though.  But guess what, I’m a health nerd and can split myself up just fine.  I just think it would be nice if the healthy people didn’t try to tell me how to do it.  I got it, really.

Much love for sticking through this ridiculously long post.

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