I look around and can see evidence of fall everywhere. Christmas follows not long after. There are Thanksgiving and Halloween decorations all around. Most places even have the Christmas stuff out too. I’m thinking of all I love about fall, the pumpkin picking, pumpkin and pecan pies, Whataburger for Thanksgiving, excitement in school to see who dresses up and who doesn’t, the annual door-decorating contest we have…. except I can’t say we anymore. Brittany isn’t in Kansas anymore. Or the Panhandle of Texas to be more exact. Fall will never be the same for me anymore. Even if I go back to Canyon it won’t. And I think it kind of sucks.
Before this fall, I never really cared about the seasons changing. For me it just meant going back to school, homework, having to somewhat look decent, and my peers (mixed feeling there for sure). Now, I actually got excited. I was excited it started cooling down. I was excited the leaves started falling and changing colors. And I was excited for watching football with my dad, sometimes sharing his beef jerky. I was excited to rake up the fall leaves with Nicholas (my younger brother in Canyon) like we do every year, arguing. I was excited to smell my dad’s chili and my stepmom’s cornbread and cookies. I was excited to see Dani’s (my younger sister in Canyon) dance class at the end of fall. But I’ve come to a realization these past couple of days; I can’t do those things anymore. It’s not the same. My room is a TV room now. Nick and Dani think of me as abandoning them and won’t look me in the eye, and I can’t help but think I did. My stepmom now treats me with the same courtesy of being a guest in the house, not like she did last time I was there. They have dogs, which means the decorations will be different, and football games are different, and I–quite honestly–can’t sit in that living room anymore and feel comfortable.
I guess writing this I can see that I’m not really sad about the fact that fall and Christmas won’t be the same for me. I’m disappointed in myself for messing my life up. I had a roof, a good education, a job, a semblence of friends and family, food on the table… And I left it because I thought my dad was too controlling. Don’t all teenagers feel that way? Don’t all teenagers think about moving out? I mean, I didn’t actually expect him to tell me I have thirty minutes to get out when I told him I did hate it there. I was a freshly minted adult! What did you expect me to say? After that I just made one bad decision after another, burning bridges left and right with only my librarian and her assistant being my remaining friends. After graduation, which I’m honestly surprised I pulled through enough hangovers to get there, I screwed up my dream of going into the army. I gained weight and in the process of trying to lose it, gave myself anemia. Now I’m living in my mom’s house, practically forcing my sister to share a room with me, causing Trinity to feel God-knows-what, definitely not exactly kindness, towards me, discovering my brother is actually a teenager now and not all that little anymore, working two part time jobs to try and help out with the expenses, trying to get back into college to show some semblence of something worthwhile in me but not being able to because MY DAMN COUNSELORS DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THEIR JOB AND SEND MY TRANSCRIPT. I MEAN, I’M NOT ASKING A LOT HERE.
I’ve lost so much of my pride. Maybe it’s a good thing, but I don’t even know who I am anymore. I practically sleep all day, waking up enough to make conversation with Hannah, do my chores, shower, and get back to bed. I feel as if I can’t talk to my dad without hurting him more and I keep going back and forth on whether or not i was right to leave and if i even really ever had the option and whether or not im just a big fat phony that doesnt know how to do anything and only cares about herself but cant even do that part right. im a freaking grown woman or supposed to be and i cant even pull it together to save some sort of face some sort of dignity some sort of worth to this world we live in why am i alive why am i here should i even be here.
This was supposed to be a blank page for me but all I feel is frustration.
What link am I missing here? What have I got wrong?
I don’t know what I’m doing more. I feel like a true walking dead.
Help me, God. I don’t know what to do.