Ya’ll know that song that goes, “movin’ on up…. movin’ on up!”? I don’t really know any other part of the song but it was stuck in my head and I decided to make it my title. I’m not even sure if it relates to what my post is going to be about. My fourth grade English teacher said that the title should be the last thing you do but I’m obviously smarter than her. Wink, wink.
I’m in a ridiculously good mood today for some reason. I heard some stuff today about people I love and care about that made me really disappointed in them, but it’s like, what can I do? Their life, their choices I guess. I hate people telling me how to live my life, so I’ll vent with my seester and move on.
I had another epiphany today. A few really. Actually, to be more correct, I had an epiphany and a longing which lead to another epiphany. Epiphany. Cool word. Anyhoo, so my first epiphany is that I heard what God told me to do right. He wants me to serve others. Obviously he wants us all to serve others but I guess I don’t really know how to put it. I’ll try to explain. Freshman and sophomore year I wanted to join the military, and after I got discharged, become a missionary. Junior year I wanted to be an English teacher since from eighth grade up all of my English teachers had really affected my life view and helped me through a lot. (Quick shout out: Mrs. Kuhlman, Lindsy, Mrs. Riha, Mrs. Crosswhite, Mrs. Scarborough, and Mrs. Freeman. The latter two weren’t English teachers, but ya’ll too.) After deciding I couldn’t write that many essays and that I didn’t have the disposition for dealing with brats (because that’s what we are when we’re teenagers), I decided to be a doctor. I have no idea what I was thinking there. I didn’t want to be an English major because of the essays, so I decided on doctor? No common sense people. No common sense. You see, I was looking for a way to make serving and helping people my career.
Some of you may know this already but this past year, almost exactly a year ago, I was trying to transfer schools to come live with my sister (where I am now). I had heard that they were having a hard time here and I wanted to come and help them out. I wanted to transfer to the Sonic down here, graduate down here, and help out the family as much as I could to try and make it a little bit easier on them. After a lot of tears, yelling, fighting, meetings, phone calls, and praying all around, I decided I wouldn’t go. My biggest fear is that I would be more help than harm, and I couldn’t stand hurting my dad. Of course, a few months later I got kicked out anyway.
Then I enlisted in the army. It felt right. I would be able to serve people. I would be able to protect my sister. That’s what I kept telling myself. “This is right. I can protect my family. I will be serving others. I’ll be the best me ever.” But, it wasn’t long and I started having my doubts. I love America. And I am still seriously considering being in the military. But, I was avoiding dealing with my main issues. I was hurt. I had hurt people. And I was running away from it all and justifying it by being a US soldier.
During the beginning of the summer my sister and I were texting once and she asked me, “What happens if you die?” That’s really when it went downhill. I really started to question why I was doing this. Maybe it’s too psychological for you, but I think God gave me a big protective instinct. Ask any of my friends, teachers, or family members. I am very loyal to the people I love and I try to protect them to a fault. But, I couldn’t protect my siblings from the hardships they faced. I wasn’t there. I was too wrapped up in my sorry existence to see my sister was really, REALLY hurting and my brother was growing up. I’m just now starting to get to know Trinity and Zoe. I only met Asher this summer. I wasn’t there for them, and as the big sister, I’m not doing too hot. So, I subconciously tried to make up for it by becoming a soldier. (?) Like I said, it may be too psychological for you, or even me to believe.
But, as we all know, it didn’t work out. I’m still here in good ol’ America. But, this time I figured out where I really needed to be. Not where I wanted to be, where I NEEDED to be. I’m here now. And serving others doesn’t need a degree or any special training. There are seven people right here who have needs bigger than mine, and I think for once I can say with the utmost certainty, God’s got me here. I may be frustrated because things didn’t go where I wanted them to go. I may not feel like I’m doing much of anything here. But God put me here for a reason. As much as I miss my daddy sometimes, I know that someone here needs me more.
Which kind of leads me to my second epiphany. As I was driving home from work today, I really missed reading the Bible and listening to TobyMac and Skillet and Third Day over the other trashy stuff that’s on the radio now. I missed praying to God every night. Last night I couldn’t even remember the little child’s prayer that I used to say every night that my Grandma Lowry taught me. “As I lay me down to sleep…” I couldn’t remember it and it made me cry. I’ve been so lost recently and making so many bad decisions and feeling so bad about myself and my position. I came to the realization through my craving of the Word, that I had been missing out on a whole lot of Jesus. And I think it’s about time I get back in.
Of course, this is no happily ever after. Satan got a firm grip on me. I have a lot of demons to face. A lot of idols to tear down. But honestly, if I’m going to be the big sister I want to be, I want my family to see how passionate I am about God, I want to set a good example for them. I pray I have the strength and wisdom and perserverance I need to do this.
Thanks so much to all the people who have been praying for me! (Meeme) I really appreciate it, and I think it’s about to pay off. I sincerely hope with all my being this can be a point I look back on in life and can say, “This is when I changed and started becoming the person GOD wants me to be.”
By the way, if you remember the words to that prayer, could you let me know? It’s driving me insane!