The Impending Zombie Apocalypse

What with everything that has happened within the past week of my life that has made me feel really dizzy on a daily basis, I have decided to focus on the important things.  We all know that the zombie apocalypse is happening people.  I know there will be snickers out there and nay-sayers… Ya’ll don’t understand.  And when you become a zombie, I will gracefully and mercifully stab your brainstem to prevent you from dominating the world with your nasty sock-smelling breath and jaundiced eyes.  Cuz that’s just gross, dog.

However, after some research done by some professors and doctors involved in the good ol’ CDC, that have explored the “possibility” of a pending zombie apocalypse and have come to the conclusion that the people must take the offensive.  The fully alive people that is.  That have morning breath instead.  I digress.  In case you missed the point of the beginnning of this rambling paragraph, here it is: FIGHT THE ZOMBIES.  No hiding out in your self-made-in-case-of-a-emergency basement or shelter.  No waiting for some cure.  You see, if we only kill them when they come to eat our brains and fatty (and oddly flammable) flesh, they will quickly be the only type of human left on earth.  And that would defeat the point of hiding out.  On top of that, the CDC said so itself, by the time they find the cure (if they do) it would only save a small percentage of the population.  Which sucks because if they have to cure you, you obviously would just get caught again and the whole thing would happen all over again. And ain’t nobody got time for that.  No, the best defense is a good offense.  Right Jason Garrett? (Yes, write it down people.  I just insulted my own Dallas Cowboys.) But scratch those last two sentences like a squirrel on a tree.  You don’t need just a good defense, you need a freakin’ BEAST offense.  That is why I recommend you start preparing now.

For example, you want to be prepared to be able to run long distances quickly in case you bite off a little more than you can chew.  In order to train for this I personally am going to start running multiple times a day for thirty minutes each.  Not only do your legs need to be an Olympian machine, but your body needs to be in tip top shape as well.  So you should also start some strengthening exercises.  A good friend of mine has decided that since he works at a physically laborious job, he will be good to go.  I kindly withdrew my earlier proposition to team up during the said sick event.  But if you want to get caught by an old granny that has all her brain power capable to her eating your rump, that’s your business.  I’m just gonna cut mine down to size a bit.

Secondly, you need to have the right supplies.  Keep in mind that we are taking the offensive.  So you need to be able to move around.  With that being said, one change of clothes will be enough Barbie dolls.  I personally am going to have one pair of shorts, sweatpants (cold weather), underwear, socks, one extra shirt (I have an end-of-the-world shirt), and a jacket or sweat shirt.  I will also take a hat.  Personally, there is nothing hotter than a Miles Austin-looking figure wearing a hat slaying zombies.  I shall be the female version.  Beware. (I must pause here.  I am cracking myself up.) You will want to have access to nonperishable foods that will allow you to last for quite a while.  They should be in containers that will be able to be moved quickly.  I personally am not going to wait for some skeptic to throw Ramen into a garbage bag.  Peace out, good luck, see you later.

WEAPONS            I personally have a machete and a pocket knife.  My younger brother also has a plethora of sharp objects, and having done the dishes quite often, I know exactly where all the butcher knives of the house are.  If you have a gun, that will be helpful perhaps if you come into a situation where you have to fight off twenty booger-leakers at once and you aren’t as talented as me.  Just remember, brain stem.  Otherwise you just be wastin ammo.  And sux for you, cuz I ain’t sharin.  I just went gangsta.  Otherwise, you’ll want to keep that heat simmered down.

I assume you are smart enough to plan out the rest of the major supplies you will need.  I look forward to fighting the battle with you gents.


I will be much less woman-bodybuilder and more zombie-freaking-killer.  And have cooler sunglasses than that.  I mean, c’mon chick.

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