I sit here before you with my eyes watering, nose running, lips chapped, and body burning. It sounds like hell, doesn’t it? Mainly because it is. It is also referred to as a cold.
I’m such a wussy when I get sick. Probably because I hardly ever do. So, the few times I actually do get sick, well…. Let’s just say everybody knows. Haha. Hopefully the modern miracles of Zyrtec, Halls, and Kleenex can fix this. Though I think I’m about to go to the alternate medicine of homemade cough syrup. I actually like the way it tastes.
While my body is sick, my mind is starting to clear however. I see that I have trusted a lot of people too much and believed every word they said, refusing to see the lies. Because of my blind trust I have come across a lot of pain and I see now how to fix it.
But, I’ve also noticed how messed up I am as well. I keep justifying the things I’m doing saying it will benefit me now. Never thinking about the long term. This is good if the zombie apocalypse is upon us, but since I have had to come to face the stark reality that life will forever be un-zombied and (unfortuantely) caught up in the Kardashians, I see now it has come time for me to grow up and start realizing that while tomorrow may never come, odds are it will. And am I really prepared for it? I guess you could say I’ve made some resolutions after all, though most of these goals I do not want to accomplish within the next year, but as soon as possible.
My last post was cut off by an unfortunate circumstance last night. For the sake of privacy, I’ll just say my bunny died. When something major happens to someone you love, it’s kind of weird how it makes you stop and consider things, don’t you think? For example, after I got over my initial shock and anger of, hey my bunny died, I was started to think. Is it my fault? Did I unconciously provide the means or motive for such a thing? Did I make it seem okay somehow? Here I am thinking I told my bunny not to die enough times he wouldn’t, only to find he did anyways. It just makes a girl stop and consider that maybe what you thought wasn’t an issue is, and maybe you contributed to that being an issue whether you wanted to or not.
When those questions arise you have to stop and think, “Should I have even been around my bunny? If I had let it be, would it still live?” Next thing you know I’m starting to think of all the other things I’ve been doing wrong that may or may not have been connected to my bunny. Everything from how I eat to whether or not I need to block Cameron’s number. All these questions and ideas start swirling around in my head, like flies–just annoying enough to make you want to kill them all. Make them stop flying. Make them leave you alone for good. And like a leaky faucet, the only way that it will stop annoying you is if you grab the stupid toolbox and just fix it.
Fly numero uno: the whole Cameron situation has gotten out of hand. For too long have I been at his beck and call. For too long has he plagued my blog posts. For too long has he made me look the fool. For too long has he plagued my kingdom. And if I’m too weak to just ignore him or say no, I’ll just make it impossible for him to even ask. I’ll block his number. Actually, my parents will because I don’t know how and I’d be nice to keep it that way. That way I can’t just undo what I’ve done.
Fly Beta: My paycheck comes, and it goes just as fast. I complain about the meningitis shot being so expensive, but in all reality, I would have had enough money to get it if I hadn’t been so careless with my finances. Now, I’m not going to go see an Edward Jones advisor and be a crazy investment tycoon, but I could open up a savings account and start putting all of my money in there that I don’t use to pay for my bills. Obviously you can still withdraw money from a savings account, but just the very fact that it’s in there will make me more likely to keep it there.
Fly Three: I have been relying on other people for too long. It’s time I play my own game and do what I need to do to advance personally in my life. Not
stand sit on peoples’ coat tails and hope they’ll be able to pull along my fat butt. The way my sister put it one time, “You’re nineteen years old, living with your mom, and your not even in college.” Obviously I’m not in the position that I can just move out right now and be okay. I’d end up homeless. But I can start realizing that I can’t just stay here forever and claim I’m “trying to help out”. At some point, if I’m not already there, I’m going to become a burden. I do not know exactly what needs to happen, but it is something I finally realized needs to happen, and I am certainly seeking out the best plan of action.
My bunny can never come back to life, but maybe I can move on and never let something like this happen again.