Spraying Snot and Laughing Puke

So, if I haven’t mentioned it yet– and I assure you I don’t know– I now live in a small Texas Panhandle town called Fritch. If you’ve never been, you weren’t missing much. However, notice I used the past tense right there. That’s because you’re missing a whole bunch of fun now. The party is here now!! There hasn’t been a week that’s gone by where I haven’t pulled some sort of harebrained scheme. And let me tell you something, even if you don’t join the party, watching it is fun enough. Of course, most of these stunts involve my new sidekick and partner in crime. (I’m not sure she’d like to be called the side kick but the stupider stuff has been all me.) I of course blame by restless energy and adrenaline needs on the fact that the Phatts are no longer whole. I am all alone over here. I made a blood oath (of sorts) that I would keep the crazy nights and awesome stunts going in the newly established Panhandle branch of the Phatts. With all this added pressure of being the outpost and heading the movement all by myself, I got a bit carried away. Perhaps. It has been great fun. I have many stories to tell you, and I am sure many more experiences of legitness will occur. But I shall please your palate with only a couple of stories right now. With graphics of course. =D
The most recent episode of phattiness happened just last night. I was going to post it immediately, but alas, my phone died. My cousin Shelby and I were chattin it up. We often do this, so it wasn’t that out of the ordinary. We were cracking up from the crazy insults we were throwing at each other when all of the sudden I noticed Shelby was staring somewhere over my shoulder behind the chair. I stop laughing immediately because all that should’ve been behind me was wall. I look at her, frightened out of my wits to turn around. She looks back at me, dead serious and says,
“Rosemary is behind you.”
To put it nicely, I flipped shizzzzz. I jump up–screaming even though it’s two in the morning. I do a sort of run-jump-hop that one tends to do when they get creeped. She starts laughing really hard and it dawns on me that she didn’t say Rosemary. Because that wouldn’t make any sense. I don’t know, nor have I ever heard of a Rosemary. I start laughing realizing she had said Bloody Mary (my worst nightmare). She looks at me and I tell her that I thought she had said Rosemary and still got scared anyways and I didn’t even know who Rosemary was. She then starts laughing so hard she can’t stand up, or in fact move at all. Then I start laughing so hard my nose sprays some great boogeys and then I start laughing harder. She eventually cools off enough to move to a different room, but I keep laughing harder and harder. Before you know it, I’m running to the bathroom to throw up…. Because I had laughed too hard. No worries, I don’t have a graphic to show you for that.
As funny as that was, this one is perhaps a better show of my stupidity and should prove once and for all I got us covered down here. This actually happened about a month or so ago. It was right before Easter weekend. It was a nice day out and Shelby and I decide to take Harlow for a little walk. Which turned into a long walk. Next thing you know, we both have to take craps and are about a mile from home. So we start heading back home, rather hurriedly. Now I don’t know what possessed me exactly to do this. I guess I was feeling rather harassed, and that tends to bring out the dumb adrenaline. We are nearly home, probably a quarter mile away. There are some telephone poles, splintery wooden telephone poles on the side of the road. And without any warning to anyone around (including myself really) I koala the pole.
Now I’m sure you are all wondering what koalaing is. Basically it’s when a person runs up to an object– living or otherwise– and jumps onto it and holds on for dear life. I had seen it on Ellen and decided to give it a try. Naturally, it didn’t work out like it did on TV. I ended up sliding down the pole and had splinters on the inside of my thighs and arms and in the palms of my hands. At first the adrenaline saved me the pain, but by the time my cousin and I had quit laughing, it was hurting pretty badly. I could barely walk from all the splinters. We finally made it home like ten minutes before I needed to leave for work. My cousin started to pull some of the splinters out, but we quickly realized that I needed professional help. The splinters started to fester and swell at a rapid rate, and we couldnt remove them with your basic needle and tweezers. After a hurried and confusing call in to work, we head off to the emergency clinic where they took a scalpel to the stupid things. Of course, the doctors thought it was good fun. I was given an antibiotic in case of infection and a whole bunch of bandages, not to mention all the smart remarks.
You see, you don’t even have to join in the fun to have a good time. I shall enclose a link to a koalaing video and some pictures of my injuries to further the joy in your little hearts.
Keep it phatty peeps. 😉

Heller There

Wassup chicken little?!?!! I’m instantly in a good mood because I figured out how to post from my phone. Yesssss. No longer a cold day in July. Luckily for ya’ll, I’m only just now writing this so it won’t be 4,000 words long. So no worries, your eyes won’t burn out by the end of this.
I made the move to the panhandle! I start welding classes a week from today (I think). I’m so pumped!!!
My cousin actually decided not to do welding with me. She changed her mind to x ray tech and then to something that sounds boring and I’m not even sure what it is. She’ll be starting in the fall at Amarillo College and is looking for a place to move out. 😦
I work at Pizza Hut now. And I can say this because they didn’t make me sign a paper saying I can’t. I was also working at United until a week ago. I quit because I was having issues with my hip and they were being very rude about it. I actually have an appointment with a specialist on Wednesday.
But that’s boring!! You guys don’t care about that! I have many stories to tell you but I’m going to make you wait for them. It’ll build the suspense. And of course, you don’t have to give up the gift of vision to hear about them now.
Until we meet again tomorrow! :0

I waited for you today. I did. I know you saw me, yet I could not see you. But still I waited. I waited. With my old and battered houseshoes covering my mismatches socks. In my work pants and pajama shirt. Perhaps that is why you did not come. I had a bad day. I had a bad week, bad month, season and year. I needed you to come. I waited for you today. I waited on my old faded couch. It’s on the trailer to be thrown out, but it never will be. I waited. I tried to be patient. I tried to be calm. I counted stars, only to find they were airplanes. But still I waited. I sang a song to a different tune. But still you did not come. So, I relit my pipe. I drew upon my last nerve and put my weary and houseshoed feet upon the cold ground. I walked toward the gate. I took baby steps. I sang my sad little song. I smoked my pipe. Halfway there, I waited for you. I waited until the stray cat came. Then I knew you weren’t coming. I knew it wouldn’t happen. But still, I moved forward. In my work pants and faded pajama shirt, I moved forward. My pipe started to go out. I walked faster. I paused only once. I waited for you today. I stood in the dark outside my fence. I stood in my old houseshoes covering my mismatched socks. I stood in my work pants and faded pajama shirt. I stood, and I waited. I waited for you even when you weren’t coming. I waited for you even when you weren’t coming and I knew it. I waited so long my pipe went out. I waited so long my tears dried in their tracks. And then I stopped waiting. I turned my back and went inside. I never once looked back. I waited for you and you weren’t there. I turned my back and went back to the TV noise. I went back and locked up. I went back to my cramped but organized room. Because I waited for you today. I waited for you, and you didn’t come. I know you saw me, yet you didn’t come. I waited for you today. And then I turned my back. I did.