Mischieviousness

In all the hype about trying to knock my own teeth out and moving I forgot about the last and latest prank my cousin and I pulled on someone in Borger. I was so pumped and ready to tell you people, I can’t believe I actually forgot!! While it will probably sound really stupid to you, it is one of the most hilarious things a person could ever watch. I wish my camera had worked better so I could show you what happened. But it didn’t.

Anyways, so Shelby and I had “ding-dong ditched” this certain person like a million times. There have even been nights when we did it multiple times, and we never got caught. And for your own personal information, I was the one doing the ditching. Shelby was normally the getaway vehicle.

Well, one day while sitting in the stall at Sonic, I noticed that I could rip my shirt. I had cut some of it off to work in, thereby making it easier to rip my shirt. I was like, “Dude!!! I could rip my shirt and yell like Hulk and freak someone out.” She started laughing, and next thing you know, we’ve come up with this great idea for a prank.

The idea was this: go to this guy’s house, knock on the door as usual, and start running away. However, I would purposely get caught. Act like I got angry. Let out a Hulk roar. AND RIP MY SHIRT LIKE A MANIAC.

So, we did so. We went to this guy’s house. We circle a few times looking for a place to park and work out the fine details. Plus we had to wait for a few people to disappear. We get parked and Shelby and I get out of the car. We walk over to the house and she hides behind the air conditioner by the house. I go to the front and knock loudly and slowly on the door. (I normally do, this guy’s pretty dumbo. He still never catches me.) I start to walk away, very slowly mind you. I get nearly to the street when he finally opens the front door. He walks out onto his porch and looks at me. With the porch light on, I can’t really tell if it’s him or not. I just see an outline. Taking the chance that it actually is him, I let out a psycho yell and rip my shirt right down the middle. Then I start running for my life.

Something I perhaps should’ve mentioned to you, this guy is an MMA fighter. He’s big, and he could easily tackle me and take me down. Not that I wouldn’t go down without a fight, but the odds weren’t in my favor. He just happened to be stupider.

Not to worry, my avid readers. My cousin saved my life and ruined the prank at the same time. She saw him running after me and laughed so loud, he stopped, turned around, and promptly says, “What the hell is going on?”

All in all, it was a great night. We all laughed hard. And he learned not to call me annoying. Because I’m not annoying. Unless you call me annoying, then I will go out of my way to be annoying. I wouldn’t want to make a liar out of you after all.

With that, I say, keep it classy folks. 😉

This wasn't the picture I was going to use, but I couldn't help myself when I saw this.
This wasn’t the picture I was going to use, but I couldn’t help myself when I saw this.

Spraying Snot and Laughing Puke

So, if I haven’t mentioned it yet– and I assure you I don’t know– I now live in a small Texas Panhandle town called Fritch. If you’ve never been, you weren’t missing much. However, notice I used the past tense right there. That’s because you’re missing a whole bunch of fun now. The party is here now!! There hasn’t been a week that’s gone by where I haven’t pulled some sort of harebrained scheme. And let me tell you something, even if you don’t join the party, watching it is fun enough. Of course, most of these stunts involve my new sidekick and partner in crime. (I’m not sure she’d like to be called the side kick but the stupider stuff has been all me.) I of course blame by restless energy and adrenaline needs on the fact that the Phatts are no longer whole. I am all alone over here. I made a blood oath (of sorts) that I would keep the crazy nights and awesome stunts going in the newly established Panhandle branch of the Phatts. With all this added pressure of being the outpost and heading the movement all by myself, I got a bit carried away. Perhaps. It has been great fun. I have many stories to tell you, and I am sure many more experiences of legitness will occur. But I shall please your palate with only a couple of stories right now. With graphics of course. =D
The most recent episode of phattiness happened just last night. I was going to post it immediately, but alas, my phone died. My cousin Shelby and I were chattin it up. We often do this, so it wasn’t that out of the ordinary. We were cracking up from the crazy insults we were throwing at each other when all of the sudden I noticed Shelby was staring somewhere over my shoulder behind the chair. I stop laughing immediately because all that should’ve been behind me was wall. I look at her, frightened out of my wits to turn around. She looks back at me, dead serious and says,
“Rosemary is behind you.”
To put it nicely, I flipped shizzzzz. I jump up–screaming even though it’s two in the morning. I do a sort of run-jump-hop that one tends to do when they get creeped. She starts laughing really hard and it dawns on me that she didn’t say Rosemary. Because that wouldn’t make any sense. I don’t know, nor have I ever heard of a Rosemary. I start laughing realizing she had said Bloody Mary (my worst nightmare). She looks at me and I tell her that I thought she had said Rosemary and still got scared anyways and I didn’t even know who Rosemary was. She then starts laughing so hard she can’t stand up, or in fact move at all. Then I start laughing so hard my nose sprays some great boogeys and then I start laughing harder. She eventually cools off enough to move to a different room, but I keep laughing harder and harder. Before you know it, I’m running to the bathroom to throw up…. Because I had laughed too hard. No worries, I don’t have a graphic to show you for that.
As funny as that was, this one is perhaps a better show of my stupidity and should prove once and for all I got us covered down here. This actually happened about a month or so ago. It was right before Easter weekend. It was a nice day out and Shelby and I decide to take Harlow for a little walk. Which turned into a long walk. Next thing you know, we both have to take craps and are about a mile from home. So we start heading back home, rather hurriedly. Now I don’t know what possessed me exactly to do this. I guess I was feeling rather harassed, and that tends to bring out the dumb adrenaline. We are nearly home, probably a quarter mile away. There are some telephone poles, splintery wooden telephone poles on the side of the road. And without any warning to anyone around (including myself really) I koala the pole.
Now I’m sure you are all wondering what koalaing is. Basically it’s when a person runs up to an object– living or otherwise– and jumps onto it and holds on for dear life. I had seen it on Ellen and decided to give it a try. Naturally, it didn’t work out like it did on TV. I ended up sliding down the pole and had splinters on the inside of my thighs and arms and in the palms of my hands. At first the adrenaline saved me the pain, but by the time my cousin and I had quit laughing, it was hurting pretty badly. I could barely walk from all the splinters. We finally made it home like ten minutes before I needed to leave for work. My cousin started to pull some of the splinters out, but we quickly realized that I needed professional help. The splinters started to fester and swell at a rapid rate, and we couldnt remove them with your basic needle and tweezers. After a hurried and confusing call in to work, we head off to the emergency clinic where they took a scalpel to the stupid things. Of course, the doctors thought it was good fun. I was given an antibiotic in case of infection and a whole bunch of bandages, not to mention all the smart remarks.
You see, you don’t even have to join in the fun to have a good time. I shall enclose a link to a koalaing video and some pictures of my injuries to further the joy in your little hearts.
Keep it phatty peeps. 😉

Phatt’s Night Out

Before I get into the amazing, harebrained night my siblings and I had, I would like to make a quick update.  Remember in my last post how I said I wouldn’t be able to reenlist even if I wanted to because we couldn’t have all the adults in our new apartment being full-time students?  Well, turns out the family’s income is too much to qualify anyways.  Which of course means that we won’t be moving there anymore; which of course means I won’t be put in that situation.  When I heard that today, I couldn’t help but ask God what he’s playing at.  And maybe a couple more signs at where I should be going within the next few months.  But, it’s like I’ve always said:  Don’t eat the last marshmallow.

With that said, on to the fun stuff.  Every Friday night in our family is considered family night.  Of course, we have to behave ourselves.  For the past month or so, my brother and I have gone to the dollar theatre to watch a movie, occasionally with Hannah coming with.  Hannah used to go with us all the time we went to the theatre, but recently she had been showing interest in going and then backing out saying she was tired, or didn’t feel good, or didn’t want to see the movie.  Tonight, however, Hannah came.  And it was amazing.  It felt like reuniting.  I’m sure you’re wondering about the whole Phatts-thing.  Well, the youngest three are called the Stooges.  And us older three are called the Phatts.  It’s kind of childish if you stop to think about it.  A 13, 15, and 19 year old, giving themselves a nickname…. A kind of lame one at that, but that’s why you’re not supposed to think about it at all.  Because if you keep thinking about it, you realize how much of a child I really am, and I’m one of those people that just doesn’t really grow up.  So quit thinking right now.  Right now.

I digress.  Phatt’s reunitation!!!!  I was super excited when Hannah showed interest in coming in the first place.  She’s been grounded recently, and neither she nor I was sure whether or not she could come.  But, because we have smart and sympathetic parents, she was indeed allowed to be in my custody for a couple of hours to come with us.  And even if she changed her mind and decided she didn’t want to come, I probably would have dragged her out the door anyway.  She has been way too reclusive for my liking.  But, thank God, she came of her own will.

So, the Phatts went off to the theater singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of our lungs.  Vibrating the glass with our awesomeness.  Well, Hannah and I sang.  Nathaniel watched in awe, and maybe a little fear.  After getting there on time to actually see the beginning of the movie for the first time EVER, we watched Hotel Transylvania.  Which was hilarious by the way.  And as I told by brother, “five times” according to him, it has one of my dream casts.  Definitely one for all ages that you just have to see.  It was great to see Hannah laughing at something besides me falling because I wore socks.

After the movie, we got back in the car (as most people do after walking out of the theater) and cranked up the music.  As we are driving down the theater, we start dancing and singing along.  At one point we were even bobbing our head in a sychronized way.  (No worries you grown-up people, I kept my hands on the steering wheel.)  Then we come to the stop light.  And I take the opportunity of a red light to look towards Hannah and sing my heart out and dance my heart out to some really stupid song with no real meaning, only to have the guy stopped next to us in a minivan start staring at me.  At which point, Hannah turns around–guess she wanted to see what I was looking/laughing at–and I really ham it up.  I go wild and smile real big for him.  I sort of hoped he would start dancing too.  But he just kept staring.  So I faced the front and sang and dance at the stop light in hopes I would make it turn green instead.

So, there are a few things that you can take away from this story tonight.

  1. The Phatts are unstoppable and will cause spotaneous awesomeness and joy where ever we go.  As long as we are complete with all three parts.
  2. I cannot be in a car with my sister without getting really hyper.
  3. If you see a strange, young, attractive woman dancing and singing and smiling:  humor her, dang it.
  4. Nathaniel does not sing anything outside of the word “pinecone”.  (And it makes me chuckle and giggle.)
  5. Hannah is the battery of the Phatts.
  6. Brittany is the of _______ the Phatts.
  7. Nathaniel is the _______ of the Phatts.

Feel free to fill in the blanks.  Feel free to dance and sing spotaneously.  Feel free to spread your joy with the random strangers around you.  And feel free to be a child.

Toodles, poodles.

As Nathaniel always says, "Banana."
As Nathaniel always says, “Banana.”

Spam Inspiration

After feeling the need to blog but deciding you guys probably didn’t want to hear about all of my theories on cleaning house (since that’s basically what I’ve done all day), I decided to check my spam.  And I proceeded to laugh and feel entertained and laugh some more.

To the people that tell me there must be something wrong with my computer because YOUR computer won’t load my blog fast enough for you…. Well, first let me tell you that in America we have this saying.  “Patience is a virtue.”  I.e.  You need patience.  I appreciate you waiting long enough to read my blog, but really, I don’t want to hear it.  Leave the whining for you mama.  Oh, I almost forget (squirrel!!), don’t be trying to tell me how to make my blog more Google friendly.  I don’t want, nor care if my blog is “Google-friendly” or not.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.  Se lavi.

To the people that keep telling me that if I keep up the hard work, they’ll follow my blog.  What makes you think I want you to follow my blog?  I will get no satisfaction from it.  I don’t care if you’re the freaking Queen of England or whatnot.  Where does a person get off on telling someone that if they “keep up the good work” on their CREATIVE outlet–where hard work doesn’t really matter–so said person can follow them.  Follow me or not.  That’s your own business.  But don’t think I’m going to try harder to please you.  Mainly because I never try.  And if it’s hard I make up my own way to do it.

And lastly, dear people who speak to me in a foreign language that must be related to elven, I SPEAK TEXAN.  Thanks for deciphering though.  I appreciate your efforts.

Oh, people of spam.  You make my day an entertaining one for sure.I’ve never really been big on the whole “constructive criticism” thing that I’m sure ya’ll people think you’re doing.  I don’t believe there is such a thing.  There is tough love, and sugar coating.  I prefer the tough.  Unless it comes to my meat.  Then I like it nice and tender.  And juicy.  One time I had this really GOOD, juicy, tender, flavorful smoked steak.  It made me cry at its perfection.  I knew from that day on I would never be able to be a real vegetarian.  Also, a good MLT is really nice.  Where the mutton is really tender…

But, I’m getting ahead of myself.  Or behind.  I stopped to smell the roses.  I suppose you can see I ended up digressing.  But it’s only because a dinosaur bit me in the nose and I had to go on a quest to get it back.  It involved a stapler, Nolan Gerard Funk, and maybe a little bit of the bow and arrow action.  But that’s a different blog all together.

And now I can smell an even better meat cooking.  Mainly because it is the meat of mexican food that I shall put on my burrito.  You know, the meat of the Mexican variety.  So, with that I say adios.  Keep up the good work people.  Then I might follow you.  Or care.

Sounds reasonable.
Sounds reasonable.

Kolton Porter

Oh my goodness.  I am already laughing.  So, Kolton Porter.  If anyone knows me they’re laughing too right now.  Anyways, I wanted to write, but had that little things called writer’s block.  So I googled for some ideas and what came up was, “Write a poem about a first romantic (dare I say: sexual) experience or encounter.”  No worries anybody.  Nothing sexual here.  But I’m going to get my Shakespeare on and tell you about a really humorous time in my life.  A little background info: Kolton and I dated off and on for a really long time.  We knew each other from the toddler days at daycare.

Kolton Porter thought he was all that.

But his romantic skills were really flat.

He walked me home from school one day,

(In fifth grade, I daresay)

And took me to my mailbox.

We said nothing about mohawks.

All the sudden I turn around,

And to my dismay found

Him leaning in, no, diving

Trying to be oh, so conniving

And before I realized that it was a kiss

That I was about to dismiss–

I ducked.

It never happens like in the movies.
It never happens like in the movies.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!! My poetic skills are astounding, no?  Oh my goodness.  With that I say adieu.  To you and you and you.

Mwhaha. How did I pass senior year?
Mwhaha. How did I pass senior year?

I’m Bock

I left my blog in quite a shape.  All frustrated like that.  I think that everyday I told myself I was going to blog and then…. I didn’t.  Baha.

Basically I’ve gone crazy.

This may or may not be a conversation I had last night with “somebody that I used to know.”  Just so you kinda get a feel for how things have been going. I assure you it’s worth a good laugh and a big revelation at the end.  And it will read faster than you think.  I apologize in advance for the grammatical errors.  It WAS  a text conversation.

Man who doesn’t talk to me unless he wants someone to cook for him, “What’s good britt?”

Me: me. mwahaha. nothin. you?

man: Haha how are you though?

Me: depends on the day. Alright today. You?

man: That’s good..and I’m alright today 🙂

Stupid me: That’s good. 🙂 are we gonna chill this weekend?

man: oh its this weekend?

yea why not I thot it was next week and was confusing myself lol

Me (still stupid): Lol. If ur vusy its okay. Im still not even sure where im staying yet. I havent been on the ball plannin this trip.

man: Hmm when you comin down?

Regretful me: Saturday morning. Ill leave sunday around lunch or shortly after.

man: Hmm and what all were you gonna do again britt

Me: Uh. Idk. Just gotta pick up my sisters sunday.

man: ya so what are you makin thanksgiving?

Cynical me has arrived: Oh. u know…. turkey.

man: your makin the turkey?

Me: Lol. Naw. Im making the rolls, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and I think thats it

man: That’s a frickin lot of dishes.. but you like cookin huh

Me: I do indeed.

man: You should make me sumn

Me: Only if u make me sumn

man: My stove doesn’t work :/

Apathetic me: I have a family of eight. :/

man: You beast! [as if i birthed them.] When do you start preppin the food?

Annoyed me: Maybe Wednesday night. But prolly just thursday morning.

man: Any pies..you makin any pies?

Me: Maybe chocolate. But my sister, mom, aunt, and grandma are all making one or two. Plus cookies.

man: You beast!

SERIOUSLY ANNOYED ME: I guess…

conniving man: I’m just going to my boy jays house

Smart Ass Me: Now?

man: No thur

Me: Oh. Thats cool ig. Just u two?

man: Me and my roommate Adam and a bunch of other ppl its gonna be pretty fun..I don’t think you’ve met jay

Me: I don’t think I’ve met anybody. Lol. Imma spend it with family. I havent seen my aunt in like 2 days so im super excited. Lmao.

dumb man: You should be..I wonder what your hair color is

Cynical Me: so do i.

man: Are you gon dyen again?

Me: Cant u txt like a normal person? no i havent. I was bein a smart ass.

man: My bad, I figured you were but wanted to be safe type situations lol [he talks like this in real life too]

Me: U scared of me?

man: Lol……….no……um never lol

Me: Don’t lie to me

man: Why would I be scared lol

Me: Cuz im mean. Lol. Ego boost for me. 😉

man: You think your mean lol [his last mistake in this conversation]

Me: I am. Uve even said so.

man: You have a temper but your not mean

Me: Ho

man: Mmm maybe a lil but you don’t scare me at all

Me: Who you been doin that makes you a ho?

man: What are you talkin about

Me: I called you a ho and u said maybe a lil.

man: Lol did i [this isn’t a laughing matter dude]

O I was doin a second reply to your question

Me: So ur scared of me!

man: No your scared of me

Me: Nope. Not at all.

man: Don’t lie

Me: I never lie.

Unless ur ghost face, im not scared of u

man: I guess we ain’t scared of eachother..so Idk britt

Lol I know you like it

Me: “so idk britt” whats that mean?

man: I was just sayin Idk.

Lol are my txts weird

Me: Udk what?

Yes. No. Just dont follow logical convo [Ha! How’s that for confusing?]

man: We were talkin bout who’s scared of who and I say we not scared of eachother so I’m tellin you I dont know if i’m scared of you cuz Idk

Me: Wtf. Ok. Im literally lol [at you]

man: No lol I’m not but I haven’t been around you in a situation that would unleash that side

Me: Well, consider urself lucky. 🙂

man: Huh..lol I’m far from the good luch atleast

Me: Psh. Whatever. The fact that you know me is good luck.

That was stuck up, huh?

man: Maybe a lil lol

Me: Cept you know I don’t mean it

man: Or do I…….lol I know [I did mean it.]

Me: What’d u say?

man: Exactly!!

Evil Plan Hatched Me: Baha!! I miss you. :/ [not really] watched a movie the other night that reminded me of you. Sort of.

man: What movie? Remember the Titans? [great joke set up, but the one I have planned is better so I’ll ignore it.] [that was literally my thinking process]

Me: Baha! nope. Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

man: Never seen it

Me: Well. Its swedish. And graphic. In all sortsa ways. Ya?

man missing the point: You like graphic huh

Me: No. I had read the book. The book was very mature and I expected the movie to be the same. It made me very angry. The girl’s rape was nasty. But that wasn’t what reminded me of you.

man: Wtf did you just say a girls rape and my name in the same sentence?

Me: I didn’t say your name anywhere in the text. I said it WAS NOT what reminded me of you.

man: I know what you said..its just that’s what you picked to say about the movie..it was weird to me

Frank Me: Its what the story was built around. Women cruelty.

man: What part of the movie makes you think of me

Me: The main character was short. [Oh my gosh I’m still laughing over this. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!]

man cluing in: Do you think I’m an asshole?

I’ll end that conversation there.  Basically this guy kind of affected a lot of the decisions I made through out my senior year.  A lot of them I regretted.  I don’t necessarily put all the blame on him.  I know I was stupid to listen to every word he said like he was Ghandi or something, but the man (Cameron) knew my beliefs and never respected them.  He was always trying to change them, and I’m afraid he succeeded in a lot of areas. I was weak.  And that’s my fault, but at the same time, he should have been respectful to my beliefs and values.  So last night the conversation that I may or may not have had with Cameron escalated.  Being 500 miles away really changes your perspective.  I had a lot of time to think and I knew it was time to quit hanging on.  And I finally told him so.  When I was explaining it to my sister, “I am a strong, independent black woman.  I don’t need no man.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

Her reply, “Juice makes me happy. Yes.”

There’s a lot of reflection going on in my head while I’ve been MIA.  I haven’t been the kind of person I want to be.  And I think it’s time I cut my losses, quit throwing the pity-party, and pull the lead outta my butt and as Barlow Girl so wisely put it in one of my favorite songs, “be the change you [I] wanna see.”  Someone else might have said that too.

Also, special shout out to a great man for admitting publicly twice that he reads, and enjoys, my blog.  SQUIRREL!!!!! Ditto.

Peace out people.

“Juice makes me happy. Yes.”
Like I said…..
I need another source for inspiration. Nah. These ladies know what they’re talkin bout.

 

 

I…. Yeah. Wait, what?

I have no idea what to blog about, only that I want to blog right now.  So, like most girls, I turn to fashion.  BAHA!  Just kidding.  I wouldn’t know the next thing about fashion.  My style is like yoga pants, sweatshirt, and batman socks.  Or some sort of variation of that.  I could talk about football.

Like, I freaking adore Miles Austin.  Before everybody else did (i.e. when he had his breakout season), I’ve liked him since his rookie season in 2006.  I know all sorts of random stuff, too.  Did you know mushrooms are the genitalia of fungus?  I’ve killed a fly with my finger.  I’ve never killed a fish with my bare hands though.  But I’ve caught plenty with my bare hands.  But not with a fishing pole or line.  I’ve caught lots of algae-covered sticks with a fishing pole and line.  Lines can be continuous.  Arrows indicate continuation.  Infinity continues forever.  Lines infinitely approach asymptotes but never reach them.  Some do anyway.  Especially when a trigonometric function is involved.  My stepdad thinks asymptotes are squirrels.  Ma doesn’t know what they are.  Thank you Mrs. Freeman for a love of trig graphs.

WRITER’S BLOCK SUCKS.

Do you want to hear about my psychiatrist?  She’s imaginary.  She has a head that would be a sphere if you took the appendages away.  She helped me realize that I don’t like a lot of people, mainly Philidelphia Eagles’ fans.  She also told me that school was, surprisingly, important.  Holy freaking cow!  I think I’ve lost it.

Here’s a mathematical equation for you.

caffeine + acetaminophen = the shakes

The liver has over two hundred functions.  An iron deficiency can cause anemia.  I have anemia.  Some STDs can’t be cured.  Anemia gives a person a higher risk of leukemia.  A person can drink their own pee in desperate situations and live.  Some people are vitamin D intolerant.  Which means that they are sun intolerant.  Pancakes are yummy and make my clothes shrink.

I always thought I was born in the wrong time frame.  Then I read books.

SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!

I have two jobs right now.  I can’t vote because I moved.  My high school counselors won’t listen to me.  So, I can’t go to college because they won’t send my transcript.  Rude.

I need to be tested for AD ooooo shiny.

I like to eat duck.  It tastes like duck.  Cookies are good too.  CookieMonster was way cooler when he ate straight cookies like a cookie-holic and bypassed the cucumbers like heart failure.  That’s a simile.

Grob–good grub

bamzing–knock-you-out deliciois

deliciois–my version of delicious

Peace out riches!!!!

I LOVE THE DALLAS COWBOYS. (In your best Sean Connery impression because idk who that is.)

ssssuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh