Framily Time

Framily Time

Yeah, no. That title was not a typo. Jerks. Sitting there thinking that, “Here’s an editor who can’t spell family right!” HA! Jokes on you, jokers. It’s a pun.  (But not a very punny one.)

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I may have lost my humor somewhere growing up. Shoot.

Anyways…. So this past weekend was spent with some of my favorite people in the whole wide world. Who would be so lucky? Well, my best friends and their kid, Clouse. For those of you who have read the book (I’m looking out and seeing, nope. None of you.), you would know that Clouse is in our book as well. Actually Clouse, the kid, is named after Clouse, the character. Fun fact. I digress, so the kiddo has a birthday coming up and we celebrated this weekend. He loved Thomas the Train so we decorated his room, had jello cake (not shots), and scared him by suddenly bursting into song (Happy Birthday Song).  It was loads of fun, and being basically a child in a fat, woman body, it almost felt like my birthday.

I ended up staying two extra nights, thank goodness I took an extra vacation day, and got to spend quality time with a family I consider family. These guys have been with me through some pretty ugly times, especially recently. They always listen to my groans and pains whether they are justified or not, and normally have a sassy comment to let me have too.  They are always ready to party with me, and basically they aren’t friends who just ghosted after high school. Yeah, we’ve been friends that long.

I’m feeling particularly blessed right now to have such amazing friends to always be able to count on. I feel blessed to be able to be around during their milestones, and I can’t wait for more to come. Obviously we hit a bit of a milestone ourselves recently releasing a book. Yeah, this book may not make me a JK Rowling, or David a Stephen King, but it makes us happy. And personally I feel proud. But I think the best benefit I have found in releasing this book is that I have found yet another way to come a little closer to the people that I can always rely on. They don’t even have to help me out, we aren’t really related!!

Because I was asked to help out with this book, I can see myself doing something I actually love for the rest of my life. And it is going to be a struggle to get to work tomorrow. I’ve been thinking of a good reason to call in for the rest of the week all day. (Earthquake trapped me in a Dairy Queen?) I want to be able to just set my desk up in David’s office and work on writing. On his writing, on the other book I have been so graciously bestowed with editing, on maybe a little of my own, and even the marketing and promotion of these books. It’s been so fun. I enjoyed every minute of it. I was working with my best friend and doing one of my favorite things ever. It really made me realize, I don’t have to live with the fear that I’m going to hate what I do forever. If I really work at this, I could do this.

Today my dad jokingly called me a starving artist. I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of a label. And I’ve been labeled a lot. (Side note: Parents are proud too = maybe less chores? Hint, hint.) My framily has always been there for me. We have fed off of each other and helped each other out. And now they have done my a huge favor and I don’t even think they know it. I haven’t felt this fulfilled and optimistic since I was five. Dad had made me a burrito to eat after kindergarten instead of a sandwich.

My purpose of this post was to talk about the great time I had this weekend and how much I love my friends. I guess I sort of did in a way. If anyone could hit me in the head with a frying pan and give me the light bulb that shows me what I love to do, it would be them. I’m really excited moving forward, and I’m ready to show you people my artistry. Sort of. I mean, the last three blog posts have been all about the same thing basically. But I do have a really good idea for my next one to get me out of the rut. I’m just really excited about writing and being a grammar Nazi!!

Last thing, David and I posted the video to explain the book and answer some basic questions about it. Go look it up on our page! Like the video, or at least our writing page!!!

Keep it classy, folks!


I Came Back

I Came Back

Heyyyyyy, people! I came back! I don’t always do that recently! I’ve been super wishy-washy the last few times I was blogging. I am going to continuously make the effort to keep writing though! So stay tuned. Otherwise, I’ll just be talking to myself again.

God, she’s so talkative this time of night. You can just ignore her.  So… Heyyyyyy, people! I came back! I know I’ve been wishy-washy and that sort of crap the last few times I’ve blogged. But I’ve been feeling supery-dupery creative recently! I even decorated for a birthday party today!!

Man, I can’t believe she interrupted me AGAIN.  Ugh, what I was going to say is that I’ve been feeling super creative recently. Like, I actually decorated for a three-year-old’s birthday party today! It was pretty fun actually. He’s really into Thomas the Train right now. His parents spent all this last week decorating his room.  The repainted it with clouds and hills and stuff on the walls. It was super cute! I got him a toy box to keep all of his toy trains in, and we put stickers of all the engines on the walls, and his bed is literally Thomas the Train.  It’s pretty awesome if I do say so myself. And I say it’s awesome.

So you probably all have heard that I’m a published editor now. No biggie. Just throwing it out there. (Why for $3 on Kindle, ya’ll.)

Annnnyyywayyyysss, so I’m not too sure what I was going to write about necessarily. I just wanted to make sure I kept writing. I always enjoyed writing. I’m not the most amazing writer in the world. I’ll never be a famous writer like JK Rowling or Moses, but I’m slightly better than average. I think.

So, I’m going to keep writing. One of my favorite outlets, of course, is my blog. But I’m definitely probably going to try and pick up a couple of my stories again.  Through this whole process of getting Why published, I’ve had a light bulb moment about something I think I’ve been coming to terms with for a while now.

I’m not the most amazing human being to ever exist.

You may be laughing, or perhaps you think I’m just being stupid, again.  But in all actuality, it’s a real and ever-present problem I have. I want to be perfect. However, I didn’t know what perfect meant. I mean, I knew what other people wanted from me. I knew what other people thought was perfect. So instead of pursuing what I wanted to, what I thought would make me the best me, I pursued what other people thought I should do.  I always felt like I was failing at life in general, but I was because I expected so much out of myself. Because I was expecting something I couldn’t achieve. But that’s okay. Because what I was pursuing was not me. It was someone else’s version of me. And I bet that person is still awesome. But it’s just not me. And I like me a lot. Have you ever talked to me?


Well, nobody asked you.

Anyways, what I’ve been trying to get to is, I’ve made a lot of mistakes.  Some really big mistakes. Some pretty small, but I thought they were huge.  Editing this book helped me realize what I enjoy.  And that even if people think it’s cliché, or basic as the yungins say, it’s me. And I enjoy it. And I may never be successful. I may never make a living out of editing my friend’s books. I may never publish my very own novel. But I’m happy. And I think I’m even closer to my friends now. And that’s hard to accomplish, we are pretty tight. I think I  am kind of rambling here.

So here’s the point for reals.  I’ve learned I don’t need to live for how other people perceive me. I’ve learned I am my own person, and I need to do what makes me happy. I don’t have to be the best at everything. I’ve been so caught up in being the best at everything, I screwed myself over, and a lot of people around me. Because I was trying to be the best of something I have no right to try and do. Because I wasn’t doing it for me.

So I’m still the most amazing person I know, because I am finally learning who I am.  And that’s awesome. Even if it has taken almost 23 years for me figure all this out.

So keep it classy, folks. And see you on the next turn.

juice makes me happy yes
“Juice makes me happy. Yes.”

What’s Going Down

yummy yummy yummy
yummy yummy yummy

So I’ve been trying to post blogs for a really long time now. But every time I get it typed and ready to publish, my internet goes down. Like, whatever, I didn’t want to blog anyways…..

But, here’s what’s going down anyhow for when I can actually post this. It turns out that my sister isn’t lactose intolerant, she has a dairy allergy—which, coincidentally, is a million times worse than being lactose intolerant. On top of not being able to have anything made of milk, there are certain proteins that you can’t have either. And you have to read the label of EVERYTHING you eat. It’s crazy. Especially to a girl like me who goes through almost a gallon of milk every other day. So, my sister and I have a bet going now. Because I think that if it actually came down to it, I could get rid of dairy. She says that I can’t. So from my first day of school (five days ago) to my last day of school (a month and a half from now), I have a dairy allergy too. At first I was all like, yeah, this should be easy. The first couple of days I didn’t even have any troubles following the diet. Then it was like going through detox. I was craving milk, cheese, butter, pizza, chocolate, and ice cream like I’ve never craved them before. My cousin said she was going to make a sweet run and asked if I needed anything. I got my batman voice and said, “MILK.” She looked a little worried at my desperateness and ferocity in which those four little letters had so I quickly said, “Just some orange juice, please.” People, don’t get a dairy allergy it effs you up. But I’m still dairy free!!!! Even though I had to avoid the kitchen all day because I knew I would get milk if I went in there for more than five seconds, I am still succeeding. I WILL PERSERVERE.

Someone please help me. I need milk. I can feel my bones breaking as we speak.

In other news, I hate my job. Almost all of my friends that I work with are quitting or looking for a new job so they can quit. It’s horrifying. Milk. Today was so bad at work. I got into a fight with a semi-new guy at work because he kept trying to tell me to clock in even though the manager was telling me not to. Apparently he can’t do his job all by himself. Okay, loser. So we were at each other’s throats before work even began. Then I got into it with another girl because she was pissed about how much work she did and only getting paid waitress salary. The heifer asked to be a waitress. So calm down, doll. Then the kitchen kept skipping over pizzas so I was yelled at by TWO customers. That’s pretty major for me. I never get yelled at. If nothing else, they’re too scared to complain to me. And I was yelled at twice. And I won’t lie, I was pretty pissed at them too. Obviously it’s not my fault the kitchen doesn’t know their ass from their head…. Needless to say, my customer service went to shit.

I’m looking for a new job.

I started classes Monday!!!! It is so much fun!!! I love welding. Sometimes I get really frustrated, but it’s so worth it. I feel so good, and I haven’t enjoyed something this much since my football analysis days. This is so awesome. I get all warm and gooey just thinking about it. The classes were cool enough as it is, but then to actually get into the shop and do WORK, you just don’t understand how great it feels to be covered in ash and sweat running down your back and looking at this piece of crap you worked your ass off on. It’s so gratifying for me, and I’m not even doing anything substantial yet!!!! Plus, I look pretty good in my welding shades. Baha!!!! I was actually really depressed I didn’t have class today. I really wanted to weld some more. 😦

It’s crazy how much passion I already have for this. The guy in the stall next to mine in shop summed it up quite nicely, “I think I just fell in love.” I know exactly what he means. And to all those people that say welding is a waste of my brain, quit acting like you know me. Welding is so amazing. Not just anyone off the street can say they know how to control metal. They know how to melt it and make it into something no one could’ve thought it could be. Welders can take a piece of crap and make it into something beautiful. Something with a purpose. Just look around you! I’d bet my next fifty paychecks that a welder was involved in making the building you’re in.

I think in my previous life I was a metal worker/forger person. I forgot what they are called right now. But you know what I mean. I was like that chick on A Knight’s Tale. Totally BA and making all them boys look dumbo. Cuz I’m so awesome. It’s so great to know what I want to do with my life now. I’m so impatient for it, but so ready. I’m pumped for life. I’m not Br’y the top student anymore. I’m Br’y—Welder. How do you like them apples?

Milk is yummy. But orange juice more so.

Anyhoo, that’s all I really have to say right now!!!! I miss you, my dear blogging friends!! Keep it classy and remember, orange juice can taste like milk. It’s all about perception. Keep it classy, my friends.

I waited for you today. I did. I know you saw me, yet I could not see you. But still I waited. I waited. With my old and battered houseshoes covering my mismatches socks. In my work pants and pajama shirt. Perhaps that is why you did not come. I had a bad day. I had a bad week, bad month, season and year. I needed you to come. I waited for you today. I waited on my old faded couch. It’s on the trailer to be thrown out, but it never will be. I waited. I tried to be patient. I tried to be calm. I counted stars, only to find they were airplanes. But still I waited. I sang a song to a different tune. But still you did not come. So, I relit my pipe. I drew upon my last nerve and put my weary and houseshoed feet upon the cold ground. I walked toward the gate. I took baby steps. I sang my sad little song. I smoked my pipe. Halfway there, I waited for you. I waited until the stray cat came. Then I knew you weren’t coming. I knew it wouldn’t happen. But still, I moved forward. In my work pants and faded pajama shirt, I moved forward. My pipe started to go out. I walked faster. I paused only once. I waited for you today. I stood in the dark outside my fence. I stood in my old houseshoes covering my mismatched socks. I stood in my work pants and faded pajama shirt. I stood, and I waited. I waited for you even when you weren’t coming. I waited for you even when you weren’t coming and I knew it. I waited so long my pipe went out. I waited so long my tears dried in their tracks. And then I stopped waiting. I turned my back and went inside. I never once looked back. I waited for you and you weren’t there. I turned my back and went back to the TV noise. I went back and locked up. I went back to my cramped but organized room. Because I waited for you today. I waited for you, and you didn’t come. I know you saw me, yet you didn’t come. I waited for you today. And then I turned my back. I did.


The Long-Winded, Never-Ending Blog Post

Nearly Two weeks–

So, TADA!!!  I’m here, finally.  It has been a long wait (for me at least).  And the funny thing is, I’m not even actually posting this normally.  You see, I moved like, two weeks ago almost.  We were supposed to have internet within a couple of deals.  No biggie.  But then there was something about people being stupid and inconsiderate (*ahemcenturylinkahem*) and turns out, it’s going to basically be forever before we get internet.  So, I was like, “Hey, you don’t need internet to use Word!!”  (I’m so genius.)  So, BASICALLY, I can fulfill half of my blogging obsession and write.  I just can’t be all nosy and hear about other people’s high school drama, squirrel trapeze artists, and random quotes from suicidal writers from long ago (yay for Sylvia Plath).  And, instead of writing a bunch of blog posts and killing your eyes from all the Vengeance Intensity showing up, I’ll just write a really long blog post to cover the dinosaur ages I’m living in right now.  And, hopefully fool you into thinking that it really isn’t too long.

Moving day was awesome and exhausting.  I was really hyped up on caffeine; my mom’s coffee is like straight espresso.  The first time I drank it I didn’t know what to do.  Now, I have issues drinking Starbucks.  Thanks Mom.  Anyhow, the night before, actually, the day before we packed a lot of boxes and did some shopping and got the kids ready to transfer into their new schools.  I was really tired the whole day because I had stayed up late the night before packing stuff from my room.  Then I got up and packed most of the kitchen, more of mine and Kennedy’s room, Nathan’s room, the laundry room… You get the picture.  And we still didn’t have most of the house packed.  Eight people equals a lot of crap.  Then we had to load it up.  Sigh.  I ended up getting rid of some stuff that I had been hesitant about throwing away before.  I got rid of all my soccer, basketball, track meet, and academic trophies.  I mean, what am I supposed to do with them?  Get married and display them in a trophy room.  Yeahh….  So I threw those out.  I also threw out most of my stuffed animals.  Now, if you don’t know me well, this wouldn’t seem like a big deal.  But me and my animals are tight.  We have deep and serious relationships.  I cut their hair; I cook them flash-card-lasagna (instead of studying the flashcards); I give them baths, walk them, and give them bows and name tags; I make sure they are always comfortable not only when I leave for school, but at night as well; I’ve named them all; I even drew portraits of them in my own nonartistic Picasso style I’ve got.  BASICALLY, I have a thing about stuffed animals.  Even though I didn’t really play with Barbies and all those other toys people got me, I loved playing with my stuffed animals.  So, for me to get rid of my stuffed animals that I had named, cuddled, and given haircuts to… it’s a big deal, okay?  Even if I am nineteen.  No hating.  But, I didn’t throw them in the trash.  I take really good care of my stuff.  They all looked really nice and I couldn’t justify throwing them out like childhood memories, so I put them in bags (body bags, gulp) and donated them to a local Salvation Army thing.  Now, a little kid gets to hang out with my awesome childhood buddies.

My favorite part of moving day is a toss up.  I really enjoyed the moment I was getting up from the floor and my back finally popped.  But also, my favorite Meeme and Grandpa (HI!!!!) brought my Lazy-Boy recliner from their house.  They drove all the way down to us just to do so.  They were holding on to it for me at their house, and I guess Grandpa decided enough was enough.  I’m so happy to be reunited.  It used to be my dad’s, but when he got a new one and tried to sell it in a garage sale, I was like, “Heck no!!! Imma pay for it.”  It has moved almost everywhere with me.  It will be one of those pieces of furniture people look at and say, “What the heck is this doing here?  It’s shabby and matches nothing!!”  And I’m going to say, “Dude don’t hate.”  It’s squeaky, slightly broken, and a little worn, but I love it.  It still rocks (though with some noise), still reclines (sometimes I sleep in it), still is the most comfortable thing to sit in in the whole house (but I’m so protective only I am allowed to sit in it), and it is Cowboys’ colors (navy blue).  What’s there to hate?

The weekend we moved in the girls were at their dad’s in Amarillo.  It was nice moving day to not have to worry about three little ones messing with stuff as it came out of the boxes or getting in the way of you carrying something really big and you running into them.  But, when I got our room all put together (the first one in the house) I wanted to be able to look at Trinity and be like, “What, what?!?!?”  It was really kind of lonely the first night here.  I ended up sleeping on the floor of Kennedy’s room.  Our beds wouldn’t be put together until the next day so we were just sleeping on mattresses anyways.  On top of that, we didn’t have any night lights or anything, which she hates, and I had gotten used to having someone else sleeping in the room.  So, I slept on the floor.

The girls are here now, though they will be gone this weekend and I feel as if I may end up on Zoe’s bed while they are gone.  We have gotten most of our stuff out of the old house now, and it’s starting to all come together really nicely.  The best part is I know where everything is because I helped unpack most of it.  I had to quit my job at the clothing store, which really sucks because I loved that job.  But, last Friday Kennedy and I went into town and the theater was hiring.  A sign from God.  I hope so anyway.  I love movies and popcorn and sodas that taste nothing like normal sodas.  I still have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.  I have entertained the idea of becoming an MMA fighter and opening my own theater and being an undercover cop taking down the drug lords of the Dallas/Fort Worth area.  Who knows?  I know I need moola though.  Please God, give me this job.  And internet access.

Two weeks–

Well, now it has been a couple of days and there is STILL no internet access.  I think I’m about to go bonkers.  Forget this long, rambling blog post; this post has become my slow death by lack of technology and instant gratification.  Gone are the days when I can sit and dream of being a trapeze artist for a whole three seconds, until I realize how completely stupid trapeze artists are.  Gone are the days when I can look online for the answers to my sister’s quizzes and homework because I forget what ionization even means, much less how to write it down on paper intelligibly.  Gone are the days when I can listen to music for hours on Grooveshark and then promptly freak out because it made my computer get a horrible virus.  It’s like a ruptured appendix to your computer.  I only feel as if it is right to warn you before my untimely death.  No longer can I sit in my rocking chair and look up videos of people vigorously exercising and read advice on the best diet and get motivated enough to plug my computer in so it won’t die.  Because if it died I wouldn’t be able to watch more exercise videos.  And then I wouldn’t laugh.  And that would be a cold day in Juuuuuulllyyyyyyyyy!!!!

And, as I come to this slow death, it is time to admit a fantasy I have been entertaining recently.  Or a few actually.

Scene!!!  There is a drug deal going down, but everyone there knows that it will go wrong.  Tony doesn’t have the money.  He’s going to try and steal the goods.  You see the guns in each of the gangs’ wastebands.  There is tension building.  They all start getting a little heated; it comes to a roar when….. BAM!!!!  The most fearsome gangster in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area shows up.  She has amazing hair, awesome Nikes, and moves like Jagger.  “This is my territory, brothas.”  Next thing you know, SNAP, CRACKLE, POP!!!!  They are all on the ground.  GASP!!! Are they dead?  No, she’s cool like Batman.  No killing here tonight.  She’s on a diet.  She dials 911 with her gloved hands on one of the gangsta’s phones.  She drops the phone and a little red envelope.  She disappears into the night, only a legend to some, but real enough to clear the streets of gang violence and speak to your children in the elementary schools about why drugs are bad.  And alcohol too.

Scene!!!! Blood flying from a mouth; the jaw has been dislocated.  But how could this be?!?!  He’s a five-time heavy-weight UFC champion.  And he’s getting poned by a five-foot-three, red headed girl with a mean ol’ one-two.  Oh, this is rich!!! Who would’ve imagined a fight like this??  Small town girl with only six weeks of training, taking on a heavy-weight champ like this?  I see Monster sponsorships, some Dallas Cowboy season tickets, a certain yahtzee boyfriend in this girl’s future.  No one will mess with her.  In fact, she advocates for improvement in the standards of the public school system, and no one tells her no.

Scene!!! She started out as a small-time cop.  Now she is a big-time detective.  They put her name in the sky when it becomes too much for the regular cops anymore.  She has solved more murders than the great detective Shawn Spencer himself.  In fact, Shawn Spencer now claims to have trained under her.  She visits the high schools to inform and recruit for the local PD.  She gets a standing ovation every time.

I don’t know who this mysterious girl is.  But her hair is amazing.  And I think we really have a lot in common with each other.

In other news, I have started to write my first book.  Actually, I’m sort of writing two books at once.  Kennedy and I are writing a self-help book for all you people out there who aren’t perfect.  It’s called The Narcissist’s Self-Help.  Our collaboration, with a foreword by Nathan means it will be sold out before it even hits the shelves.  The other book I’m writing is more like a novel.  BASICALLY, I read a tweet from some random person I don’t actually know but somehow ended up on my twitter log…. anyhoo, it called for someone to write a novel in which the writer slowly falls in love with the reader.  So, I’m rising to the occasion.  It’s actually really stupid of me to try and write something so complicated and intricate on my first try, but I’m looking forward to seeing how it comes out none the less.  I’ve got some good ideas.  It’s just implementing them that’s the hard part.  I’ve actually come up with a couple of other ideas for books that I may try later.  I guess I’ll have to see how these first couple of books goes.  Right now, I’m writing them more for the fun of it, but you never know.  Maybe someone will actually like them.  And if not, maybe I’ll self-publish just for the fun of it.

It’s about two in the morning right now.  I made a last minute trap up to the panhandle tonight.  I enjoy driving, but it was a long trip all the same.  And I was drinking lots of coffee to make sure I stayed awake, so now my mind is going a million miles an hour and wants to do all sorts of things, but my eyes and body are telling me to shut it down.  I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t bring my computer charger, so I’ll have to shut my computer off at some point.

I’m also having some trouble relaxing because I made plans to see my dad tomorrow.  It’s going to be the first time I’ve seen them since our big fight with my books and stuff.  I just realized I forget Nick and Dani’s Christmas presents though.  Which is really ironic because I actually made a packing checklist so I wouldn’t forget those exact things specifically.  I made the checklist and didn’t use it.  Amazing.  I digress… I don’t plan on staying long.  I’ll probably only visit for a few minutes.  Good news!!! They found the rest of my books.  At my suggestion (because I was really angry about having to start my collection all over again), they checked out the attic to see if there was any of my stuff that got put up there and forgotten about.  Guess what?!?  There was a whole six boxes full of stuff.  Mostly books.  And, my dad actually apologized.  What?!?  Anyways, I’m not sure where I’m going to put these six boxes of books in mine and Trinity’s room, but I’m so stoked that I am finally going to be reunited with my books.  I need a bookshelf.  Or two.

I’m going to go write a novel and fall in love now.  Maybe next time I get on my computer it will be to post this online so ya’ll won’t die.  This is already 2, 331 words.  Oh, dear.

Two and a half weeks—

I’m going to die.  Who would’ve thought that going only a couple of weeks without internet could be so devastating?  I think I’m going to have to be admitted soon.  I’m running out of things to do on my computer.  I made an account for Nathan on here, even though he barely uses my computer.  I’ve started writing multiple books.  I made folders within folders, within folders, which are sometimes within folders.  Everything is so organized, it’s almost impossible to figure out where everything is!!!  Unless you’re me.  So I guess it’s okay.  All the same though…. I can’t do anything more on my computer.  INTERNET.

Anyhoo, I’ll tell Microsoft Word about my weekend and hope it eventually reaches my readers’ eyes.  If ya’ll are still there.  Ooh!!!  I can add ya’ll to my computer’s dictionary!!  Yesssss.  But, this weekend.  Right.  So, like I mentioned a few days ago (a few paragraphs ago to you), I went to go pick up the girls from their dad’s again.  I stayed with my cousin, who’s awesome and has a really cute baby.  We hung out/talked for a little while.  It had been quite some time since we had last seen each other, so there was quite a bit of talking to do.  We can text, but it’s not quite the same.  So, she told me about Harlow and changing majors from becoming a lawyer’s assistant to welding.  I told her about moving, and quitting, and writing, and sleeping…. Just kidding.  I did tell her that I had been thinking about moving down that direction to go to school at Frank-Phillips for welding.  I had considered it before I enlisted, and I still really liked the idea.  I know you are probably thinking we are the weirdest girls ever, but basically you’ve never lived until you’ve welded.  My grandpa is the awesomest man in the world.  He’s a welder.  A really good one.  He actually teaches the classes at the college now.  When I was thinking about doing welding, I went to go visit the college and one of the students he has taught me some stuff.  It was so fun.  I really enjoyed it, but I let people talk me out of it.  Something about it being dangerous and what not.  So I joined the army.  I digress, my grandpa’s really cool and I had been thinking about going to his college to get my welding certification.  So, we started talking about me staying with her.  Well, she mentioned it to me and I got really happy because I have really awesome cousins and aunt and papa and I was thinking about just staying in a dorm.  I haven’t fully made up my mind, but I’m pretty sure it’s what I’m going to do.

I’ve been really wishy-washy on the whole get-a-life-thing.  I haven’t been able to come to a conclusion about what I want to do.  I really liked the idea of finally becoming a welder.  It has been in the back of my mind, really, since I became discharged.  I don’t know why it has been taking me so long to get my butt in gear and moving.  I’ve been scared of failure for sure.  Who isn’t?  I think I have more issues with the idea of non-perfection than the normal person though.  Also, I have been feeling really guilty recently.  Well, for the past few months.  I want to move on with my life, call the mistakes I’ve made mistakes and keep on truckin’… but it’s been hard for me to do.  I don’t want to leave my family in Dallas because they say I’m such a help.  Mom says she can cope without me, they’ve done it before, but I feel like we’re barely coping right now.  I don’t feel like I’ve done too much, but I don’t want to cause harm.  I almost feel an unspoken pressure to go to college down here, get a job down here, stay down here to be ready to help.  Obviously, no one has said that.  It’s just something my mind has been telling me I need to do, but I don’t want to.  It doesn’t feel right.  I love Dallas.  And I definitely want to live here someday.  But, maybe now isn’t the right time to do so.

I was talking to Kennedy and Nathan about it yesterday.  It’s amazing that they are younger than me and already so wise.  I think they are just unbiased actually.  And don’t have mental issues.  I was telling them how I think it’s wrong for me to just leave and go to college.  They both snorted and started talking, trying to tell me the exact same thing. “It’s what people do.  It’s what I’m going to do.  People leave to go to college all the time.”  And I guess they’re right.  People do leave to go to college.  Why should I be any different?  Kennedy said I go at life with the attitude that I’ve already screwed up my chance, but that I need to realize I can get that back.  I’m just making it harder on myself by putting it off.

Phew, I know you guys wish you had younger siblings that wise.  Obviously, I’m not going to just make the decision based on what my younger siblings say.  I love them, and they are too smart to be related to me, but they are my younger siblings and I have standards.  Just kidding.  What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t make my decision based solely on what they told me.  After and before talking to them I have realized that, recently especially, I have made a lot of decisions based on wanting people to be happy.  And, a lot of the times I don’t feel as happy.  In my head, it’s selfish to put yourself anywhere but last.  It’s selfish to complain about your lot.  For me, especially so since I’m the one that got me where I was.  But, I think it’s time for me to be a little selfish I guess.  Because BASICALLY if I don’t, I’ll be one of those old ladies with 29 cats and no one to talk to.  I’ve been living through my writings and hearing about other people’s lives.  And it’s pretty pathetic.  So, I’m making a decision.  To be happy and enjoy what I’m doing.  To not be the lady with 29 cats, because I would have to take 29 Zyrtecs a day to cope.

On Facebook, I’ve been seeing my friends trying out for the Voice and hosting events, talking about their college discussions and homework, and in the case of one of my friends, scuba diving.  (Yes, I have more than one friend trying out for the Voice.  Ironically, neither of them were in choir.)  And it sucked.  And I’m tired of it sucking.  I look forward to the day when I can post, “Suckers!!!  Got my welding license!!! What?!!?”  Also it would be nice to say that I’ve published some books and stuff like that.  My sister and I have been messing around with some sound programs too.  And I guess since I’m in choir I should actually sing Mary Had a Little Lamb or something for YouTube.  I’ll turn it into a heavy metal song.

Oh, I got way off track.  So, anyway, Shelby (my cousin) and I talked about that stuff.  Then I went to go see my dad.  My stepmom stayed in the kitchen and made sure not to look at me.  My dad helped me load my books into the car and we chatted some.  I was so excited to get my books!!!  Nick and Dani had really grown up!  They were so tall.  I got the date of Dani’s dance recital and I’m hoping I can make it, especially since it may be her last one.  The visit was surprisingly nonstressful.  For the most part, Dad asked about college and I accidentally mentioned I had been thinking of moving closer, but it smoothed over well.  He mentioned he wanted to see me more.  And it was nice talking to my brother and sister again.  I’ve certainly missed them.  I think if we avoid the big topics, we’ll be alright.  Maybe.  Fingers crossed because I’m kind of getting tired of fighting.  And it’s like Kennedy told me at least four times yesterday, I get grumpy when I’m tired.  And when I don’t have internet access.  I’m going to go find a crime show to watch or something….. (3,769 words.)

Three Weeks–

It’s finally happened!!  A really attractive, sweet man gave me the gift of internet.  Thanks if you made it this far!!!! I think I’ve got half of my novel done!!  (3795 words)

Epiphany, As in an AHA Moment

“Soar above the rest.” Painted on Mrs. Kuhlman’s wall.

Hello dear readers.  It is two thirty in the morning and I had an epiphany.  It’s kind of funny how things happen really.  Yesterday I was reading a blog that I follow and the author mentioned he had slumped into a funk.  I knew, oh so well, exactly what he meant and exactly what he was talking about.  Funks are the worst thing in the world.  I’ve been in them before, but not for so long that I’ve actually noticed really.  I’ve been trying to get out of it for the longest time.  You know, think this way–think that way.  But I never could.  I would have some good days, but mostly I was just…. funked.  I guess for clarification, I better tell you what I’m talking about.  When I get into a funk, I become the Negative Nancy your momma warned you to avoid.  My already short temper gets shorter, I’m irritable beyond all belief, I snap at people and don’t feel sorry about it, I just go through the motions day by day.  Sometimes I throw myself the awesomest pity party ever to justify why I’m stuck in this mode.  Othertimes I’m giving myself a pep talk to try and get out of it, only getting motivated enough to throw another party.

But I’ve figured it out everybody.  The few times I thought I was getting better, it was because I had something to go for.  I had a goal in mind, however small, that consumed me.  I knew what to strive for, and for just that brief moment, it got a little better.  Ever since I’ve been discharged I’ve been stuck in this funk.  Only twice have I thought that maybe I was coming out of it, only to get stuck again.  Like when you’re stuck in a really big rut.  You get enough momentum to get going up some, but only fall right back into it.  When I had made my decision to go to live here, my mind was clear for a few days.  I was at my dad’s at the time and every moment was a ticking bomb.  Except, I couldn’t see the countdown.  I had to be on my toes at every moment ready to take the heat and accusations that would and did come my way.  It didn’t take long for me to slip back though.  After a few days of being here, I had the goal to get a job.  Once I got my first interview, I slipped right back into my funk.  I reached my goal.  Especially after I got a job offer.

So here I am–nearly three in the morning–finally understanding.  You want to know how I came to my epiphany?  I was having The Walking Dead marathon and drinking a Monster.  Once I had gotten all caught up, I went to shower and go lay down.  Then I started thinking.  I can’t even remember right now how The Walking Dead led to my eighth grade English class, but it did.  Mrs. Kuhlman, Enlish Pre-AP, row 5-seat 4.  Mrs. Donna Kuhlman didn’t just teach us literature and grammar.  She taught us life values you can get from literature, and yes, even grammar.  It sounds a bit cliche to say it, but it’s true.  She taught us the meaning of behemoth and epiphany just randomly as she was telling story.  She would make us read a story, take a stupid hard test over it, then tell us we missed the point and what was the story really about?  She made us aware of the bad history of our town as well as the good.  She once told us that if we were going to be hobos on the side of the street, we could at least be the best hobo around.  At least once a day we were told, “Don’t grow up and get stupid.”  She didn’t hesitate to cry.

What sticks out to me the most, what I have been saying over and over in my head for the past few days however, is not a definition of a word, or a story’s moral, or the prepostion songs…  What has stuck out the most are the two things she drilled into our head with every lesson.  All lessons, all moments, all lectures, came down to two simple quotations.

“We strive.  We move step by step until we reach our goal.” 

“But I–I took the road less traveled.  And that has made all the difference.”

Multiple times she would make us get out of our seats and make as step as we all said our defintion of striving.  I can still see her pointing to the poem The Road Less Traveled by Robert Frost that she had written out on the wall as she said it.  Everytime, making sure we had no doubt in our mind what it meant.  I remember now.

This funk is not because of something happening in my life.  It is because of what was taken away in my life.  Not by any person but myself.  I forgot to strive.  I forgot I have to MOVE.  Step by step by step by step.  Never stopping until I reach my goal.  Strive–move step by step until you reach a goal.  I forgot that not every road that I need is well-traveled.  I forgot to strive-moving step by step until I reach my goal-for the road less traveled-it makes all the difference of the world.  People need somthing to fight for.  Something to strive for.  Even if it’s staying alive in a zombie-ridden world and striving for that one sanctuary, where ever it may be.

I forgot to strive.  But, I hear you now God.  I forgot to strive, but you reminded me.

Out of my Blanket

Out of my Blanket

I look around and can see evidence of fall everywhere.  Christmas follows not long after.  There are Thanksgiving and Halloween decorations all around.  Most places even have the Christmas stuff out too.  I’m thinking of all I love about fall, the pumpkin picking, pumpkin and pecan pies, Whataburger for Thanksgiving, excitement in school to see who dresses up and who doesn’t, the annual door-decorating contest we have…. except I can’t say we anymore.  Brittany isn’t in Kansas anymore.  Or the Panhandle of Texas to be more exact.  Fall will never be the same for me anymore.  Even if I go back to Canyon it won’t.  And I think it kind of sucks.

Before this fall, I never really cared about the seasons changing.  For me it just meant going back to school, homework, having to somewhat look decent, and my peers (mixed feeling there for sure).  Now, I actually got excited.  I was excited it started cooling down.  I was excited the leaves started falling and changing colors.  And I was excited for watching football with my dad, sometimes sharing his beef jerky.  I was excited to rake up the fall leaves with Nicholas (my younger brother in Canyon) like we do every year, arguing.  I was excited to smell my dad’s chili and my stepmom’s cornbread and cookies.  I was excited to see Dani’s (my younger sister in Canyon) dance class at the end of fall.  But I’ve come to a realization these past couple of days; I can’t do those things anymore.  It’s not the same.  My room is a TV room now.  Nick and Dani think of me as abandoning them and won’t look me in the eye, and I can’t help but think I did.  My stepmom now treats me with the same courtesy of being a guest in the house, not like she did last time I was there.  They have dogs, which means the decorations will be different, and football games are different, and I–quite honestly–can’t sit in that living room anymore and feel comfortable.

I guess writing this I can see that I’m not really sad about the fact that fall and Christmas won’t be the same for me.  I’m disappointed in myself for messing my life up.  I had a roof, a good education, a job, a semblence of friends and family, food on the table… And I left it because I thought my dad was too controlling.  Don’t all teenagers feel that way?  Don’t all teenagers think about moving out?  I mean, I didn’t actually expect him to tell me I have thirty minutes to get out when I told him I did hate it there.  I was a freshly minted adult!  What did you expect me to say?  After that I just made one bad decision after another, burning bridges left and right with only my librarian and her assistant being my remaining friends.  After graduation, which I’m honestly surprised I pulled through enough hangovers to get there, I screwed up my dream of going into the army.  I gained weight and in the process of trying to lose it, gave myself anemia.  Now I’m living in my mom’s house, practically forcing my sister to share a room with me, causing Trinity to feel God-knows-what, definitely not exactly kindness, towards me, discovering my brother is actually a teenager now and not all that little anymore, working two part time jobs to try and help out with the expenses, trying to get back into college to show some semblence of something worthwhile in me but not being able to because MY DAMN COUNSELORS DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THEIR JOB AND SEND MY TRANSCRIPT.  I MEAN, I’M NOT ASKING A LOT HERE.

I’ve lost so much of my pride.  Maybe it’s a good thing, but I don’t even know who I am anymore.  I practically sleep all day, waking up enough to make conversation with Hannah, do my chores, shower, and get back to bed.  I feel as if I can’t talk to my dad without hurting him more and I keep going back and forth on whether or not i was right to leave and if i even really ever had the option and whether or not im just a big fat phony that doesnt know how to do anything and only cares about herself but cant even do that part right.  im a freaking grown woman or supposed to be and i cant even pull it together to save some sort of face some sort of dignity some sort of worth to this world we live in why am i alive why am i here should i even be here.

This was supposed to be a blank page for me but all I feel is frustration.

What link am I missing here?  What have I got wrong?

I don’t know what I’m doing more.  I feel like a true walking dead.

Help me, God.  I don’t know what to do.