Heeellooo, blogosphere! Long time, no read.
I debated starting a new blog altogether, but I had so many great times on this one; I just couldn’t bare to give it up. So, I am going to do a rebranding of sorts. It’s the new year (ish), so why not?
First things first, I’m the realest.
Secondly, a little catch up for you all. I am currently going to school at the local community college for general studies. I am hoping in the next couple years to become a teacher, and eventually want to get my library science degree. I may be the most tatted up librarian ever, but it’s fine. Breaking boundaries.
Still single if that matters. #toofunnytohandle
I just recently had my twenty-fifth birthday, and wow, what a doozie that was. I feel so old, and there’s no going back. I am having a quarter-life crisis, for sure.
And that’s where we are for now. Obviously, it’s been such a long time since I’ve been on here and a lot of other things have happened, but I can share those stories as we move forward. Today I want to focus on the realization I just had, and what I plan to do about it. Sometimes I get ideas; crazy, I know.
For my psychology class discussion this week, we had to post a video introducing ourselves to each other. Most classes I take have some sort of discussion like this when class starts, so that in itself wasn’t what shocked me. What shocked me was my need to put it in video format.
A.) Why was it necessary to see my face and hear my voice? Why couldn’t I just write it down like in every other class?!
B.) Why did I have such a problem with recording my own face?
Ah, yes. The good, ole don’t-put-me-in-front-of-the-camera phobia. While I know this is something that many people, most people, struggle with in some degree, I absolutely hated that my reaction was so anxiety-inducing. So that lead to some realizations for me. (I think this psychology text is making me analyze more that normal.)
Every year, or every few months depending on my mood, I tell myself that it’s time for me to do me. I need to focus on my goals and dreams. Start working the plan. You know the drill; I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. But every year, I might make a little progress (or go backwards because I have terrible decision-making skills), and then I say, “Oh, well this situation happened so I had to do this,” or, “Well this person was really not doing well, so I needed to do this.” Next thing you know, I’m blaming my lack of progress and achievements on someone else, and other people (family, friend, coworkers) validate my excuses. They say they understand and are so supportive of me. Which is great, thanks to all those people who have my back. True homies.
But that’s enough of that.
I can help people without slowing my own progress down.
I can achieve things and overcome obstacles at the same time.
So back to the psychology assignment, I’m sure you’re thinking that I’m crazy and these have nothing to do with each other. Well, the psychology post made me realize how ashamed of myself I am. It’s a lot easier for me to introduce myself on a discussion thread where people only see my name and the words I write. When I post a video, they can see my face and all it’s glorious flaws: double chin, four eyes, crooked teeth, and hear my not-made-for-radio voice. They can see how old I am. Yes, I am twenty-five and still in the first half of my bachelor’s degree. Obviously, I know none of these things are bad. I really, really get that. But that doesn’t mean they don’t bother me.
So, yeah. Just like any other millenial, or human on earth, I struggle with “body positivity” and my station in life. But, really, I struggle with all the goals I made for myself and didn’t keep. Yeah, I don’t like being overweight. But even more than that, I don’t like that for years I’ve made goals to lose weight, get stronger, be healthier, and never achieved them. Yeah, I have a good job right now, and I’m going to school to be in the career I want to be in. But I made a goal for this same exact thing when I was nineteen years old, and I never really attempted it.
I have made excuse after excuse, and I’m fed up with myself.
So, this is not going to become a weight-loss blog, or a body positivity blog, or an encouraging you-can-do-it blog. It’s still me trying to figure out how to be in the world, just like when I first started. But I wanted to make it clear, for myself, that there cannot be anymore excuses. No more being sad and anxious because I didn’t do what I wanted to do. That’s my own fault. It’s time to start working towards my goals with passion. If they don’t work out, it won’t be because of a lack of effort anymore. In the future, I want to be able to be proud of my lack of progress. I can be proud of trying, really trying, and failing. I can’t be proud of never attempting it. (Though I’m obviously hoping that there is progress, not the lack thereof.)
Time to ball up (I think that’s a saying), and just get it done.
And, hey, getting back into blogging has been a goal of mine for a while. So step one is down.
Keep it classy, folks.
Life With Intensity 